I wasn’t necessarily looking to do another boot camp, but this one just seemed to be the right fit. Why, one might ask? Uh, cause it’s free. Yep. Quite unlike the last two-session debacle of 05 where I paid $900 and all I got to show for it was a scale reading 20 pounds less than before I started, two effed up shins and a couple of jacked up knees. Gee, I don’t why the last part came to be. Might have had something to do with the fact that we ran (in my case jog/walked) on concrete for three hours a day, Monday – Friday for a month straight. Well. neither the good result nor the bad lasted beyond the next month.
So anyway, fast forward to present day. The b camp I’m in now came about as a result of basically answering a want ad. The guy who started this boot camp was looking for people to participate in a 5 week program so he could get pictures, video and testimonials for their website. So he posted a notice on LA Casting, a place where folks can submit themselves for acting gigs. I believe they are somewhat newer to the boot camp game in LA, but what makes them unique is the inclusion of this fancy suit that they offer. Dustin Zahursky, the President of Kutting Weight and my trainer during the camp, created this suit which is designed to keep your core heat elevated so you can effectively lose water weight and burn more calories. She looks a little sumpin’ like this:
I do hope the black is slimming on me as well.
All I ask of you is that you agree to purchase a suit for $40 and give us a testimonial at the end of the five weeks.
So knowing that I could maybe muster up the 4o bones and could definitely benefit from some additional exercise, I agreed to the request and found myself driving up the 405 this past Monday listening to Robert Tepper’s “No Easy Way Out” off of my Rocky Balboa: The Best of Rocky CD, enroute to a local park in Sherman Oaks where camp would be held.
Day 1 – Monday, January 12
Having been active for the previous 2-3 months prior, I was a tad less apprehensive this go-round than last. Shit, three years ago I stressed when I drove through a fast food drive-in, knowing if I didn’t get close enough to the window I just might pull a muscle stretching to grab my bag full of comfort food goodness. Nonetheless, today we would be taking some measurements so you know how a girl can get when she’s forced to step on those scales. I’m happy to report that, unlike 2005, where I weighed in at a morbidly obese 289, today I came in at merely an obese 239. A hefty and spry 239, but still obese. You know you’re in need of dropping a few when you can lose 50 and still be considered obese. Awesome. Next up was the chest. It took me a good 3-4 minutes to maintain the dexterity required to hold the measuring tape around my body while reading it, but I did manage and determined the pecs are an Adonis-like 46. Maybe this explains why the 2nd AD on a commercial job I worked BG on last week told me as we were walking to set and before explaining to me that I’d be playing the role of Banking Loan Manager in the glass enclosed office, “That’s a big jacket. Does it fit?” Guess the black suit in the 52 and the 50 in gray will have to visit my tailor. Who am I kidding? I don’t have a tailor. A cobbler and a haberdasher, yes. A tailor? No.
After we got sized up, Dustin told us he’d determine what size suit would be best and he’d bring them later in the week. Here’s where it may get interesting. I’m real thick so I’m gonna need one that’s big enough for me 46 inch chest. The only problem is…… Well, I’ll let you take a look and see if you can figure out my possible dilemma.
Figure it out? If I wasn’t a towering 5′ 9″ with a hat on, there would be no problem. But, since I am, the XXXXL or even the XXXL (if I can squeeze into it) might have me looking like I’m wearing something closer to capri pants than a neoprene, sweat inducing suit. I’ll let you know how that works out once we get our suits.
Following a little stretching, we circled up and went around and introduced ourselves. It went something like this, “Hi, my name’s blah-blah-blah. I live in Eagle Rock and I’m an actress slash waitress” Moving on to the next person, “Hi, I’m schma schma schma. I live in Santa Monica and I’m a actor slash bartender”. Change the names (of which I don’t actually recall any of them) and the day job on the next dozen people, and I think you get the idea. As we went around, I couldn’t help but stare at one person in particular. Was it because she looked familiar? Did she have a boob hanging out? Had her hair caught on fire? Nope to all of those reasons. It’s because she had two metal piercings in her face – one in the left nostril and one just to the right of the corner of her mouth. Why the eff do people do that? I get earrings in your ear and maybe even those through the navel, but why the face? Gross. Oh, well. She seemed nice and all and we came to find out she’s a Brit with a really thick accent. We’ll refer to her now as The Affable Dame. There was another gal though who jumped to the top of my watch list following her little spiel and we’ll call her Quicks. She is a stand up comic, which isn’t anything terribly exciting, but she also runs a speed dating service. Sweet. She told us she holds events all the time and will comp anyone who is interested in going to one. Hmmmmm…. I don’t know. Since I haven’t so much as kissed a member of the opposite sex (Mrs. Trimmer excluded – because she’s my 80+ year old neighbor and it was on the cheek following my returning of her folding chairs that my parents had borrowed over this past Christmas holiday) in close to five years, maybe it would be in my best interest to give it a go. If nothing else, it would have to make for some great material. Right?
I haven’t really decided how I’m going to address actual names on here yet. Last time I did use some first names, but not wanting to offend anyone – as I sometimes employ smart ass and snarky comments – I might keep it to just the nicknames, like Quicks. We’ll see how it goes. We’ve got plenty of time to sort out the details so let’s wrap up the basically uneventful first day.
In the informational email we received regarding the program, Dustin told us to bring a water bottle, running shoes, a towel, a fair amount of intestinal fortitude, lots of moxie, a dash of chutzpah and a yoga mat. I was cool with all of it. I even had enough chutzpah to pass some around. What I guess I didn’t technically have was a “yoga mat”. Nope, my mat – a leftover from Boot Camp 05 – is a nice, soft Everlast brand mat that I picked up in Burbank at the Big 5 Sports. Well, Dustin called me out on it by saying, “Wow, that’s a pretty thick mat there. What is it? A mattress?” So I tried to defend my two inch thick mat by stating that the last time I needed it, was when I was doing a boot camp were we laid directly on concrete and dirt. I think the class bought it, but not sure Dustin did. Hey, I likes to be comfortable when I’m struggling to do crunches or push me ups. So what?
Since most of the time was taken up by the orientation and such, we didn’t do a great deal of exercising other than jogging it out for a mile, some walking lunges (that was felt in the ole quadriceps and hammies the next day), side to side shuffling, and some work with rubber band type thingies. According to their website, here’s what we can look forward to in the coming weeks as they incorporate periodized training to mix it up and keep our muscles guessing.
The day closed with Dustin dogging a girl who mentioned that she was a personal trainer during our introductions. She was not in the best cardiovascular condition so I think he was okay in doing so. We also played a few games of tag at the end of the session during which I discovered that no longer do I possess the quick lateral movement that once enabled me to patrol the Hot Corner at various ballparks throughout Lancaster, OH. Oh, I almost forgot to reveal the great question that was asked during Dustin’s informing us of a food program he recommends. This girl, who honestly looked like a big marshmallow cause she was decked out in all white, asked “Is there a vegan diet for those of us who don’t eat meat?” Uh, yeah. You’re packing in an easy 2 plus bills into that spandex over there and you really think avoiding chicken and beef is the answer? I’d be willing to bet my next unemployment check that she stopped at the Burger King across the street moments after exiting the parking lot and scarfed down some whipped moca coffee drink with a hash brown chaser. I think we’ll be referring to her from here on in as Peeps.
Well, that pretty much does it for Day One. Wednesday will involve our fitness assessment where we run a timed mile, do as many sit-ups as we can in two minutes and bust out as many push me ups as we can in just one minute.
Day 2 – Wednesday, January 14
I guess I failed to mention before that this camp meets every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next 5 weeks. I might bust out some entries on the off days, but just in case you’re really intent on following along, that’s how the schedule shapes up.
There was no messing around on Day 2. We came hot out of the gates the minute we were all assembled and jogged the half-mile over to the track for our timed mile. Welcome to Fitness Assessment Day. If you thought you were out of shape, these three tests will prove you right. A timed mile run, your maximum push me ups in one minute and your maximum sit-ups in two minutes. Now, I’ve never been much of a runner, even when I was in good shape – which, honestly was only for a short time during my Wrigley rickshaw riding years and primarily from college up until 1998 when I had my last hurrah by finishing the North Shore Half Marathon in a blistering time of 2 hours and 13 minutes (there was some bloody nipplage that I’d rather not get into as well – you can axe Erika Weatherwax about that the next time you bump into her). So, I was just hoping to keep moving at a fair clip throughout the entire mile. It’s a half mile track so when I came in and my split (that’s fancy runner talk for your first announced time) was 4:49, I thought, “Hey, that’s pretty solid if I’d run a complete mile”, but I still had to go back around. Now, I’m thinking I can push myself a little more this last mile and make sure I come in under 10 minutes. Blazing, right? Well, I didn’t manage to catch up to the girl in the black 04 t-shirt who ran in front of me the last quarter mile grunting the entire way, but I did finish at 9:41. What’s surprised me was that I thought I was gonna have a faster time the second lap based on how I pushed it, but a fellow camper who used to run track in high school assured me, “Yeah, you always think that, but it takes awhile to get you going”. Okay then. I wasn’t going to argue with Dustin cause from what we heard he’s a pretty good grappler and could prolly put me in a figure-four or perform an arm-bar take down in mere moments and then I’d be done.
On to test #2, the push me ups. How many can you do in one minute? It’s here when we partnered up with someone to help do the counting of reps and I was able to meet a lovely gal we’ll call Crude Jude. I asked her if she’d like to go first and she said she would so I then asked her if she planned on doing the knee type push ups and if so she could use my mat – you remember, the real thick comfy one I got made fun of for having. To which she replied, “No, I’m in shape. I don’t need a mat. Those kinda push-ups are for pussies”. Okay, no worries sunshine. You do whatever you need to do. Well, she didn’t do legitimate ones, but I gave her the 15 nonetheless. I wasn’t sure how many I’d get but as I was doing them I did get Dustin’s approval as he walked around and I believe I heard a “Good job, John” come from his lips. In the end, we managed 41 legit push me ups. I felt okay with that number and now all we had left was sit-ups.
I have never seen a stomach muscle on my body so I’m not too surprised by my final tally of legit sit-ups in two minutes. Not crunches, mind you. These were full blown,hands across the chest – head back to the mat – lift up and touch your bent knees and that’s one – kinda sit-ups. 13. Yep, I was only able to raise me noggin and touch thems knees a baker’s dozen. Weak, right? Crude Jude wanted to give me an additional 5 where I almost touched, but I told her I’m only cheating myself so we went with the 13. There’s definitely room for improvement here.
After everyone had finished their respective tests, we learned that we’d be getting our scuba suits on Friday. I’m quite looking forward to wearing it not only during class, but maybe out to Chipotle or for a trip to the Arclight theater for a matinee.
The two things during class that I found most amusing occurred as we gathered around Dustin’s car to pay him for the suits and some folks hopped on the electronic scales he had pulled out and placed on the pavement. The girl I mentioned earlier who used to run track in high school weighed herself and exclaimed she’d lost a pound and a half since Monday. So, the girl who still looks like she’s a sprinter now weighs 103.5 lbs instead of 105 lbs. Nice job. But the comment that came seconds after that was even more entertaining as a girl said, “I’m not gonna weigh myself – cause muscle weighs more than weight” Huh? What? Yeah, I sometimes don’t like to drink water – cause it’s got water in it. Mmmmmm. Peanut Butter cookies. What are they? It’s good for her sake that she’s pretty hot, cause she no seem so bright.
Later that night I received an email from Dustin which had all three classes fitness assessment results. To say I was gobsmacked would be an understatement. Out of 49 total people between the three boot camp classes I thought I’d finished in the middle of the pack with my mile time, but there was a guy who tipped the scales at 332 and has a 52 inch chest that ran only 2 seconds slower than me. How can that be? I was second highest in the push me ups which came as a bit of a shocker. But dead last in sit-ups which is just incredible. Only one other person didn’t get at least 20, and she got 18. I’d like to see some tape on these so-called sit-ups though. That’s okay, we’ll work on those abdominal muscles so we can get into the 20s at the end of the camp. Lastly, he’s got me down for the XXXXL suit so that should be interesting to see come Friday when I toss that bad boy one. Til then, y’all keep it real you dig?
We'll Always Have Terrace 