Sunday, July 31
Night before boot camp begins
by johnmaholm on July 31, 2005 09:16PM (PDT)
Well, as I type this entry I should already be asleep. Since it’s now after 9 pm I will receive no more than 6 or so hours of sleep. Tomorrow is Day 1 and it starts with my awaking at 4 am – I always liked it better when I was getting home at 4 am, not waking up at that time.
As I type my schedule for the next 4 weeks Monday – Friday, I think I might be crazy for signing up. I’m taking 2 sessions of this boot camp – The first one runs from 5 am – 6:30 am and is in Burbank. The second session is in the Hollywood Hills and goes from 7 am – 8:30 am.
I gotta get to bed.
You like that? In order to get myself in a military boot camp frame of mind, I think I’ll be using that as my moniker – good times
Monday, August 1
Day 1 – 3 BMs and counting
by johnmaholm on August 1, 2005 06:37PM (PDT)
Getting out of bed at 4 am wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because I had strategically placed a framed Nike “Just Do It” poster above my mirrored (yeah, that’s right ladies – I got mirrors) closet doors and directly in my line of sight. Lance Armstrong battled cancer and won. Heck, I’m just battling the bulge. I can see my commercial now – me sitting at a press conference announcing, “On Friday, July 15 following the wolfing down of 3 Arby’s Beef n’ Cheddars (I really only wanted 2, but she said it was a better deal to get three), I was diagnosed with obesity – the scales revealed I was standing a statuesque 5′ 9″ tall, weighing in at a sumo in training 289 lbs and that my condition which began in my chin(s) has now spread to my cheeks, hips, stomach, chest and buttocks. For now I most focus on my treatment, however I want all of you to know that I intend to beat this disease and I and will one day again be able to go a week without pizza and wear a pant size that is closer to 40 than 50.” I digress a bit sorry – boy I can tell there’s gonna be a lot of incessant rambling taking place up in this here blog – I’ll try to be more concise, but I’m real wordy/windy at times.
That being said, let me lay the groundwork for y’all. I decided to do 2 of these here boot camps this month. Both of them are Monday through Friday for 4 weeks. The first one runs from 5 – 6:30 am and is in Burbank, CA. The second runs from 7 – 8:30 am and is in the Hollywood Hills. If you’d like more details, check out http://www.killerbootcamp.com.
Each session involved a circuit training approach during which we did multiple reps/sets of crunches, jump rope, push ups, lunges, squats and wind sprints all the while shouting out the 10 commandments of boot camp – one of which is that the instructor allows for no sarcasm – that’s kinda who I am so I’ve got to be on my best behavior or I’ll end up like one of the privates today who mistakenly said, “Oh, shit” and had to drop and do 20 push ups. Direct violation of Rule #4 – No cursing or negativity. Going to each of the sessions was a lot like going to the first day of class in college and hoping that it will be packed full of cute girls – unfortunately, college classes contained a few more hotties than boot camp.
If you’ve ever watched Celebrity Fit Club, today was similar to what they do on that show when they assess their overall current fitness. We ran a timed mile and charted our maxes for jump roping, push-ups, squats, etc. Had we been running 3 miles my mile time would have been superb, but for only one I came in at a sloth-like 12:25. The 3-mile run occurs on Day 2 – I’m thinking you could watch most of The View in the type it’ll take me to complete that. You know running wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have 100 lbs or so of extra weight to carry around and if it didn’t involve these big hills – not your typical Midwestern hills either – we’re talking CA mountainous type hills – when I rolled up into the Hollywood Hills in my salvaged 87′ Corolla, I thought hmmm, wonder where we’ll be doing our running. It took me half of the first class to figure out how to stop the annoying chiming on my heart rate monitor.
Okay, I gotta get going now cause since I went to bed around 8 pm last night I missed Entourage – I’m gonna catch it at 6:30.
Oh, almost forgot. I’m doing this Fast Track weight loss program for the month – I’ll be consuming these meal replacement shakes for the first week and boy are they delicious!!!! You would think I was having a triple thick milkshake from McDonald’s or a Wendy’s Frosty – I’m not sure what will break me first – the shakes or the exercise.
Till tomorrow – good times
Tuesday, August 2
Day 2 – I joined this boot camp and all I got was a lousy case of mud butt
by johnmaholm on August 2, 2005 08:44PM (PDT)
Anybody ever use a heart rate monitor before? I almost quit on Day 2 because I couldn’t stop the damn thing from beeping. It chimes to let you know if you need to increase or decrease your intensity based on what your target heart rate is – well, since the minute I so much as move my heart rate sky rockets, it goes off non stop – letting me know I’m above my target – If it wasn’t annoying enough having someone tell you to shout out the commandments while doing wind sprints or “drop and gimme 20”, I gotta listen to this thing chirping in my ear. Luckily, I was able to commandeer an individual who is well versed in the ways of the Polar monitors and she showed me the mute option – Ahhhhhh……. Now I am able to sweat in a less annoying fashion.
We had the timed 3-mile run today (with both sessions I did 6, but it might as well have been 60) and when I say “run” I use this term rather loosely. Mine consisted more of a little jog it out, ho-ho that hurts a bit, let’s take that down to a steady walk, followed by more walking and finishing it up with a real nice brisk walk. I discovered today that I’m a much better downhill runner/jogger than uphill. It’s probably my shoes.
Two things occurred today during the first session that left me quite startled and I’m not sure which one was more traumatic. The first was seeing a rattlesnake in the road that we were traversing down (oh, and a road that we would travel up and down on 5 more occasions) – it could have been a garter snake for all I care and I would have picked up the pace just the same – mean no likey snakes. The second occurred shortly thereafter as I slowly made my way through a neighborhood and lo and behold what did my wandering eyes see, but a woman taking out her trash – nothing scary about that right? that is unless she’s 90 years old or so and is clad in nothing but a simple, revealing, soiled, white negligee – I didn’t need to see that – why could I not have walked slower and just see the garbage can without the lady?
The people in this boot camp are very supportive and it’s nice to have people offering up encouragement along the way, but two days in it’s become evident that I’m gonna hear a variation of the same motivational words throughout the entire month – and that is “come on big guy” – “you rock big buddy” – “keep it up big man” – okay I get it that I’m “big” – enough their “champ”. Or shall I say “slugger” or “tiger” or “sport”
We’ve got two new additions to the 2nd session – One is very welcome cause she’s hot! I’m talking model hot – not really certain what brings her out to the ole boot camp, but I’m hoping whatever it is keeps her coming back – isn’t it sometimes fun to watch an attractive (oh hell, they don’t even have to be that attractive) woman do jumping jacks – yeah, that’s nice.
Our second newcomer is Kathy, with a “K” she informed us – Kathy prefers to workout with headphones – great, I say – not very uncommon at all – except for the fact that very time she passed me along the path today she decided to saunter over, remove her headphones and ask me to give a listen – so today I was treated with a little Jeopardy by the Greg Kihn Band, a Motley Crue song and good ole Naughty Naughty by Billy Squier I believe – can’t wait to see what she’s got cued up on the ole Ipod tomorrow.
The BMs are at 5 today and let me just tell ya that not only do these shakes replace my meals but they also replace anything solid that comes out as a result of said consumption – If you could melt a box of 64 brown crayons, that’s what we’re looking at – I gotta be careful breaking wind too cause I’m not real sure what’s what.
I’m gonna close with that cause it’s getting to be 8:30 PST and I still gots to do a little homework – just some motivational stuff, I’ll tell you about it later.
Till tomorrow – good times – and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost one pound thus far so at this rate and with my goal being 40 I’m almost there – Tina, the instructor assured me today that if I don’t cheat on her with the diet and the weekend exercise she can shed 40 pounds off of John David Maholm’s frame – plus, she guaranteed me my own sitcom in September – isn’t that awesome?!@*
jdm aka private
Wednesday, August 3
Day 3 – The hottie has a name
by johnmaholm on August 3, 2005 06:54PM (PDT)
You will never believe what I found out today! Did you guys know that McDonald’s, and I guess pretty much all fast food, is bad for you? I know, me neither. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that my regular consumption of Mickey D’s, couple with my preferred customer status at Pizza Hut, might have something to do with my significant weight gain. Hmm…. I wonder if Taco Bell and Arby’s falls into that category as well?
Now I’m old enough to know what’s good and what’s bad and I take full responsibility for my actions when it comes to food, but I would like to set the record straight about the general perception that LA, CA is a healthy city (it’s actually a sprawling suburb) with people eating tofu all the time and fresh garden salads. They’ve got hamburger joints, burrito shops (except they do need more Chipotles) and donut shops on every street corner – and it’s funny because they try to fool you. Tommy’s is the name of a burger joint out here – I think it’s a regional joint – kinda like In n Out – but you can also go to Tomy’s, Tommies, Tom’s Hamburgers – I guess people figure, “Well, shit! It’s got the name Tom in it so it must be good” They do the same thing with this donut shop called Winchell’s – there’s one a mere few blocks away with the same colored/designed sign called Mitchell’s.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if beer raised your metabolism? I was just thinking about that as I watch a Budweiser Light commercial on the telly.
Now, let me tell you about Day 3 – Have I mentioned that my entire body hurts? – and it’s not like your general stiffness, it’s more like running through a gauntlet and instead of receiving multiple blows with sticks, these fellas were wielding Easton aluminum bats. I thought I tore a muscle in my stomach reaching for the TV remote. When I asked my instructor Tina about what to take for sore muscles – whether I should pop a few Aleve, Advil, aspirin, Tylenol, whatever – she said, “John, that’s normal. We’re just tearing down the muscle and then building it back up – you’ve got lactic acid buildup – best thing to do is drink more water and more running and working out will loosen up those sore muscles” So, let me understand this. In order to relieve the soreness I’m experiencing I need to experience more soreness – awesome.
Session #1 started off with a bang. Nothing like having to run hills cause your food team captain, Uschi, the very hard to understand and quick to judge foreigner in the class, forgot her book. When we enrolled, oops, sorry, I mean enlisted, we received the Castaldi’s Fitness Boot Camp Book – it’s about 2 inches thick and it’s a nicely spiral bound book with a picture of our buff instructor Tina on the front. Well, it’s a requirement to take this book with us everywhere because we have to record our food intake, do motivational exercises that are written in it, etc. So, the food team captain (in Session #1 I’m part of the Charlie team) forgets hers, hence the reason we had to run additional hills. Now, I’m no expert when it comes to the intracies of motivating others, but it seems a bit counterproductive to have elected a Captain who can’t even remember to bring her book. We’ve written shit in it every day thus far PLUS I found out that this is her 4th boot camp in a row. Come on Usch! You’re better than that!
I’m not gonna lie to ya, even though there are the shitty hills to deal with in Session #2, I’m thinking I like it a little more – maybe it’s because at this point in the morning I’m actually awake and able to be social, or it could be the fact that the attractive female I spoke of yesterday was there again today and…. she’s got a name – Farrah. Isn’t that the best? I’m enrolled in a boot camp in LA, CA and I’m working out on a hilltop that’s within walking distance of Hollywood sign (so smog laden the first 2 days I didn’t even see it) and there’s a girl named Farrah in my class. Think the odds are pretty good that she grew up in LA? I can’t wait till bring a friend to class day on Friday when Buffy and Millicent show up. Speaking of Farrah, she delivered perhaps one of the funniest comments I have heard thus far in all my 3 days of boot camp. One of the exercises in our Book was to set a goal that was not fitness related and then develop a plan/the steps to accomplish it. So the instructor was going around asking people to share their goal so everyone in class could associate them with their goal and make sure they are held accountable. In doing so, Robin (who I came to find out is a Grammy winning songwriter) shared that her goal is to win another Grammy. Then Jude (who is by far the coolest guy in either session and who has been the hair/makeup guy for the Osbourne family for years) expressed that he’d like to get another celebrity client. Well, when the same question was posed to Farrah, she replied by saying her goal was “to stop sending so much money on clothes” HUH?!@%$ I’m not the only one who let out a good guffaw on that one, but our instructor let it slide and then asked her what she was going to do in order to achieve this goal. To which she uttered, “I guess shop less” Pure gold I tell ya. You can’t write shit that funny. I might have to start bringing a tape recorder to class and find a way to download video.
Speaking of documenting stuff at camp. There’s a guy named Dan in the 2nd session who’s big on taking video and pictures during class so I asked him to send me a copy of a photo taken from where we workout with the hills as a backdrop and the Hollywood sign perched atop. This way you can see what the f I’m talking about when I ramble on about these hills.
Wanted to let you know I’m a bit more regular today – behind yesterdays BM pace but hope to finish strong with one more after I drink my last shake and top out at 4.
Kathy with a K is one of the food captains for team Bravo in Session #2 and she talked at length today about the importance of tracking your BMs, or “poos” as she likes to call them. I know this is serious stuff but trying to listen to someone discussing your stool is pretty darn funny. Upon completion of poop talk we had to run 4 hills for, yep, somebody not bringing their book and forgetting to fill out their food diary. Shit, we’re already doing enough wind sprints, lunges, leg raises, squats, dumbbell curls, push-ups, etc to keep us busy throughout the hour and a half. Why give her a reason to give us more? I’m telling you, these hills suck!
That’s about all I can think to share – so talk atcha tomorrow.
Thursday, August 4
Day 4 – Where’s the f@*# is Farrah?
by johnmaholm on August 4, 2005 09:42PM (PDT)
Well, I knew it was bound to happen eventually, cause even when I was in shape and used to jog about a bit in the early morning, sometimes mother nature would come a calling and you gotsta answer – man can only prairie dog it for so long. Fortunately the need to dump arose late enough in the morning that it occurred just as I finished my “Titan” Mile. I made it and that’s all that matters – not sure I was supposed to be using the Men’s facilities seeins how there was a trash can in front of the door along with an orange traffic cone and inside were doors, sinks, urinals covered with newspaper – yeah, looked like they’d just painted I’d say – no time to seek alternative airport – must use available landing strip – ahhhh……
Okay, I’m done with the diarrhea dialogue. Now, let’s talk about this “Titan” Mile. As the story goes, in Greek mythology Prometheus was the Titan who stole fire from the gods and gave it to humans, along with all human arts and civilization. According to Tina she borrows this idea of running the “Titan” Mile from the movie “Remember the Titans” – a movie where people of different races came together, trained together and fought together to become victorious. “They were considered even greater than the gods” Our class runs the “Titan” mile (which should really be the Titan 3 mile) to remember those heroes and to celebrate our own coming together as a team. That being said, everyone got paired up with someone else and was told to learn as much as possible about that person along the way. Since there are no future Mrs. Maholms in session #1, it was open season for the fat man – you should have seen the offers flowing. Ultimately, I ended up having the pleasure of chatting and walking/jogging it up with Shoshana with one “n”. Here’s what I learned. She’s 24, is a criminology major at CAL – SL????, some school in CA that doesn’t have any sports teams so I can’t remember, likes Matchbox 20 a lot, works at Pier One, was going to go into the Navy after high school, but decided “I’m not that patriotic” and was born and bred in Granada Hills, CA – I have no idea where that is, but I pretended as though I did, “Oh, okay – cool” She is the youngest in her family and has two sisters. Carrie, who she said looks just like her except that she’s taller and has a bigger ass – and Renee (she’s in this session and just walks around while we’re doing exercises with these stupid hand weights and the first thing she does when she gets in her car to leave is light up a smoke – I wanna tattle-tale sooo bad) Well, Renee’s pretty interesting cause she’s got herself 2 shorties and she’s 33 – no biggie right? cept her two kids are 12 and 14 respectively – hmmm, something tells me Renee might only be able to check the high school or GED box in the “Highest Level of Education Completed” portion on the job application. Soshana with one “n” lives with her sister Renee and has done so since her parents divorced when she was in middle school – I know, it pulls at my heart strings too. Shoshana expressed her concerns to me about being able to afford living on her own if she decides to moves, paying her rent, bills, etc. Shortly after this discussion she proceeded to tell me that she has 14 cats – the initial response I gave was my standard cat response, “Hmmm, I hate cats” – then I explained how they used to get into our trash when I was a kid and I’d have to clean up the mess – no fun. It then dawned on me that she just might be able to afford living on her own if she didn’t have to spend an entire paycheck on cat food – I’ve never really understood the cat people and I don’t think I ever will. Oh, she also has a fat rabbit that’s named “Fatty” – I know, totally clever right? She and I do share one thing in common though and that is our mutual love of music and singing. She informed me that she sang at her high school graduation in front of 9,000 onlookers. I told her I know what that’s like cause the first time I sang the National Anthem at the White Sox/Reds game in 2001 there were about 9 grand there, but that the second time around I performed for about 18,000 or so. Did you have people crying after you finished and coming up to you and thanking you for singing your song, Soshana? That’s right, don’t waste my time! No, she’s a good kid – I wish her the best.
Other highlights from Session #1 included seeing a car and a house that was TP’d – how does one spell that? or “rolled” as some kids like to say. Man, that brought back some memories – good times. Plus, a girl who shall remain nameless cause I can’t remember her name, came up to me and told me I look just like one of she and her husband’s best friends and everyday (guess that’s been 4 now) she wants to give me a hug – I thanked her for this awkward exchange and then proceeded to move closer to my mat and further away from her.
I have been struggling with what to discuss regarding Session #2, and for good reason. One of my motivating factors was not present and accounted for today. Yep, Farrah, or Rah as I like to call her, was a no show. No call, no explanation, nothin’ Don’t I mean anything to her anymore? Is she gonna throw away our 2 days together just like that? God, please don’t tell me she went on a shopping spree and abandoned her goal – I just need to know she’s okay. I’m wishin’, hopin’ and prayin’ that she’ll be back in action tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.
Had a real nice chat with Kathy with a “K” today. She’s a hairstylist and thinks my plugs really look good. She took me along a path before the start of class and showed me “The Rock” No, it wasn’t Dwayne Johnson or some bad movie with Sean Connery, but basically just that a big rock at the end of a trail that she “found” and started the tradition of making a face on the rock everyday with leaves or berries of branches, whatever is found along the trail. Kinda neato, I guess. I’m just worried about getting poison ivy the entire time. The funniest thing with her occurred when she decided to take a piss in some bushes on the way back and asked me “Will you be my door?” – uh, okay, I guess. This lady is nuts. She’s the one in the visor in the pictures.
Hey, guess what? Tomorrow is Bring a Friend for Free Friday. Now, keeping in mind that my selection of friends out here is not near as numerous or as dependable as that which I loved and enjoyed in Chicago, I was absolutely gob smacked (that one’s for you Rois, or would it be Roise) when my next door neighbor and son of the Commodores drummer Milan Williams, Jaeson took me up on the offer and said he’ll meet me at the 7:00 am session. I’ll let you know how that played out tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow, daddy’s gotta hit the sack so he can have some energies for the exercises come 8 hours from now.
Almost forgot – from a diet stand point I was unaware that I was allowed to eat as many vegetables as I wanted along with my shakes, so today I busted out the Fry Daddy and made me up some potatoes, some mushrooms, a little cauliflower, some tomatoes – I’m totally kidding they were just sautéed in lard and Country Crock.
Pleasant dreams if your getting ready to sleep like me or good morning if you’re just waking up and if it’s midday, well then hey, you just keep on keepin on!
Friday, August 5
Daily Journal of Inspiration – Commandments, Mission Statement, Posture of a Champion and Incantations
by johnmaholm on August 5, 2005 08:56PM (PDT)
Here are the Castaldi Commandments that lay the groundwork for the entire boot camp experience.
There are as follows:
1. You shall have no other Master Chief before me.
2. You shall not make for yourself a fattening breakfast.
3. You shall not take the name of your BOOT CAMP in vain.
4. You shall not commit negativity.
5. You shall honor your crunches and lunges.
6. You shall not murder your fellow privates.
7. You shall not commit obesity.
8. You shall not be late (Yes, I really mean it!)
9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s Twinkies.
10. You shall not wear the same size pants in 4 weeks.
Our Mission Statement is mostly plagiarized from the Navy Seals and is as follows:
To develop privates morally, mentally and physically, and to imbue them with the highest ideals of duty, honor and loyalty to a tighter bootie, Master Chief.
The Posture of a Champion
Physiology creates State!
State creates Emotion!
Emotion creates Outcome!
Outcome creates Future!
Castaldi’s Top 10 Incantations are what we say each morning while doing the circuit of crunches, jumping rope, sprints, etc. There are as follows:
1. I am always positive!
2. I do extraordinary things!
3. I am my very best everyday/no comparisons!
4. I have unlimited energy!
5. I have the drive to accomplish my dreams!
6. I fix my mind on a course of action and finish the course to completion!
7. I create heaven on earth!
8. I am in the spirit of gratitude!
9. I have time to reward myself (non food, alcohol or drug related)!
10. I know that I accomplish everything I set my mind to because I believe in me!
Day 5 – Man, my farts stink!
by johnmaholm on August 5, 2005 08:25PM (PDT)
I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all.
I can’t believe I’ve been doing this thing for 5 days now and have yet to mention that we recite the Pledge of Allegiance at both sessions before class begins. Tina has what looks to be a Walgreen’s purchased hand held flag that she waves in front of her as we recite the pledge. It’s awesome! It’s like being in grade school again with Mrs. Wright or Mrs. Carroll; the only thing missing is the shin high drinking fountain, a wall-mounted pencil sharpener and the big clock.
Friday, at last. Just knowing that I didn’t have to get up at 4:00 am the following day made going to class that much easier today. Granted I can’t booze it up tonight or tomorrow night or any other night until the completion of the program, cause I’se “on the proverbial alcohol wagon” – this expression baffles me a bit – I mean, it must be pretty archaic because the only wagon I can think of where this would make sense is from the Laura Ingalls Wilder or Apple Dumpling Gang Days (a shout out to you Bick) when peeps traveled in the covered wagons – can’t refer to the Radio Flyer variety cause kids don’t do that much drinking during their wagon riding years. Anyone who knows how this expression came to be please feel free to demonstrate your smarts and post the appropriate info. I guess I could google it, but I’m kinda busy typing my blog entry. Anyway, no beer, no whip its, no 2 liters of Sun Country, no boxes of that delicious Franzia, or even a sip of Night Train – not even Old Crow (that one’s for you Dad) can or will cross these lips as long as I’m an active member serving in the Tina Castaldi Army.
Just learned an important after boot camp lesson – and that is “Always keep the plunger within arm’s reach of the toilet”. BM #4 evidently wasn’t quite ready to venture out into the real world and was looking to make a return visit until I plunged it down. I’m to blame cause I know I use entirely too much butt ribbon, but dangit I don’t wanna get any on me and you know what happens when you leave some remnants – fellas, even the ladies, you’ve been there right? A quick aside coming from a guy who’s been using a lot of tp in the past few days – Charmin Ultra is the best paper on the market today, hands down. Sure, you can go with the regular Charmin, but it’s not quite at the level of the Ultra in terms of plyness and overall consistency – wipe in wipe out. Now, if you’re looking to take your game to a whole new level, well, then I’d like to put you into something like the Charmin Ultra Plus – where the Plus refers to an added touch of Aloe – if you think it works wonders for sunburn, try it on your buttocks – nice.
Okay, Session #1 began with the, all too familiar now after 5 days, shouting of the Castaldi’s Top 10 Daily Incantations sprinkled in with some sprinting, jumping rope, jumping jacks and crunches. I’m going to provide you with the motivational stuff from the Book that I speak of on a separate blog – so see blog titled Daily Journal of Inspiration for all the details. Hey, pick a favorite if you feel so inclined.
Upon completion of the “warm-up” we were asked to find a partner, someone who we didn’t know, and walk a mile with them. I’m thinkin’ hey, that’s not bad. Well, as it turns out we were not allowed to speak to them during the duration of our walk. Tina wanted us to observe each other’s actions because she wishes us to realize that the way you carry yourself – your posture – your eyes – can say a lot about you and how others perceive you. I couldn’t agree more. Well, I had no problem with walking the mile or even observing someone else who was a shoulders width from me. You know what gave me the biggest trouble? That’s right, keeping my trap shut for 15 minutes. I had to summon up all the inner strenth (that’s how Jack Johnson would say it) and intestinal fortitude I could muster in order to not start talking – I know I’m verbose on occasion and tend to chat up it up like a 13 year old girl on the phone from time to time, but man, that was a lot harder than I though it was going to be.
So I did the walk no talk with Lindsay and by studying her gait, I determined she’s an assertive, loyal, genuine, smart, nice 2000s woman and lo and behold I was dead on. You know what she picked up on with me – she said I had child like qualities – is that good or bad? Since we’re on the walk no talk discussion, we also did it in Session #2. On this walk I was paired up with Curtis who hails from the Midwest (WI) and is engaged to be married to some chick in the class who’s name escapes me right now – boy did he nail me to a t – he noted that I was rhythmic (he said cause I was always swinging my arms at the same speed). “Dude, we were walking, what the hell are you supposed to do with your arms? And he said he perceived me to be very cautious – not sure what he meant by that. I mean, yes I did walk over to the side of the road to let some cars pass and I did not blow through that one stop sign doing 4 miles per hour, but I thought that could be chalked up to something more like common sense. He’s got a beard – I’m not a big fan of the beards on most people I don’t know all too well – it’s kinda up there with the balding on top guy who still insists on sporting the rubber banded pony tail – cut that shit will ya! – The bearded ones maybe hidin’ something behind them hairs – what, not really sure, but I believe I’m a bigger fan of the clean-shaven men, and the women for that matter. I wish he and the fiancée the best of luck though. If there marriage fails at least they’ll always have the month they spent in the Hollywood Hills during the summer of 2005.
Let’s jump right in to Session #2, shall we? As I mentioned yesterday, today was bring a friend free Friday and I had invited my neighbor and friend Jaeson to come along. He expressed sincere interest and said he’d like to attend the 7:00 session. So, I provided him with explicit directions and told him to call me if he needed additional info when enroute. Well, Session #2 came and went and there was no Jaeson to be found, so I just figured he was still in the 4th stage of REM and I’d see him later in the day. Upon arriving at home we got to talking and I came to find out that he’d lost his job this morning. He’s kinda like a music industry scout/manager who recruits new bands to sign their publishing rights over to him and his company so they can market it to soundtracks, TV shows, etc. As he described it, his boss asked why he wasn’t going out to look at some groups and he said it was because he doesn’t have any gas money. When she then asked, “Why don’t you have any gas money?” His response was, and this is good, “Because you don’t pay me enough” I’m guessing that wasn’t what she was hoping to hear because she retorted with the thought that that maybe he should find someone/someplace else who can pay him more so he can afford gas. Touché! Needless to say he said “that’s what I’ll do” and unemployed is what he became.
Okay, enough about these day players in the boot camp story, let’s get back to the heart of the matter. In Session #1 nobody brought friends, but in Session #2 it was a whole different story. We had two sisters Naomi and Nora who each brought a guest and then there was our first celebrity attendee who also brought a guest. Are you ready to hear who it was? It was Mario Lopez and he brought Dustin Diamond aka Screech. Isn’t that awesome? Okay, just kidding – It was Brian Krause of Charmed fame for anyone who watches that show or from Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers or also known as the kid in The Return to the Blue Lagoon. Anyway, he brought his kid Jamen who’s nine. Jamen provided a pretty entertaining sound bite when we circled up at the end of class to form the “giving” circle. Tina asked each of us to say one gift we would like to give to the entire group for the weekend, be it compassion, ability to stay focused on your diet, or love or whatever. Well, when it got to the kid he said without a moment’s hesitation, “Pickles”. I asked him afterwards if he had a particular type in mind – kosher dill, butter chip, Claussen, Vlasic – and he assured me, “No, just pickles”. Man, I can’t wait until I have me some shorties just to hear the funny ass shit they come up with.
Session #2 provided not only our first celebrity sighting but also the introduction of a new game called Vegas Relay. This game involves you and a partner and a stack of 8-10 cards. You begin by standing behind your respective stack of cards and turning them over one at a time. The suit of the card you reveal determines which exercise you perform and the number is, well, just that, the number you must complete. Hearts = Crunches, Diamonds = Jumping Rope, Spades = Squats, Clubs = Sprints. It’s designed to be some sort of race against the other teams, but it just ended up being a free for all with me praying I didn’t see any more clubs after the first three we turned up. There are many reasons why I don’t go to Vegas and one of them is because I have a propensity to lose when it comes to the gambling. It sure is a lot more fun when there’s booze involved too. Anyway, believe it or not we didn’t win.
We did go over to “the rock” again so I’m thinking this is going to become a daily routine. It wasn’t quite the same though with Kathy with a “K” being absent. Evidently she’s a Mon, Wed, Frid attendee. And no, Farrah wasn’t there either. I’m giving it till next Tuesday before I start demanding some answers. She needs to know how much she’s hurt me by not showing up.
Now, I’d like to take you along for a ride in the salvaged ’87 Toyota Corolla if I could and share with you folks just what goes down following the morning boot camp sessions. We’ll start it off at Robeks Juices here in the Los Feliz area, a mere stones throw from my humble, bobble head doll filled home. It is here where I partake, and have all this week mind you, of the easily edible, yet highly overrated Acai Energy Bowl along with a 1 oz. wheatgrass shot. It sets me back 6 bucks American and manages to fulfill all my daily fruit and vegetable requirements – The energy bowl is comprised of blended strawberries and blueberries and topped off with banana slices and organic granola – that’s right kids, no fillers in this here granola – it’s all natural. Okay, the wheatgrass shot tastes just like what one might think it would – a liquefied handful of grass. But these energy bowls, because the rest of my day is pretty much slim pickins, ain’t half bad – I just wish it was 8x bigger and gave me a buzz. To hear Tina talk about them though, you’d think you were listening to Whitney Houston talk about smoking crack – she’s jonesin for these everyday I tell ya. They play the music way too loud at the Robeks so I’ll keep you posted on whether management follows my advice and turns it down a tad. Hey, I like the rock n roll as much as the next person, but I’d also like to be able to simply speak my order at 9:15 in the morning and not have to yell over the blaring Blackeyed Peas in the process.
Once I leave Robeks it’s back to crib where I’ll shower up and begin my boxer and Adidas sandal-wearing day. I’ll usually catch a bit of the morning shows and check the guide to see what movies are scheduled for the day. Now, I took the entire the entire month off not only for the ease of doing the boot camp, but also so I would be ready and available to go on any and all auditions that come up. In the first week, this has worked as I had hoped, cause I was able to freely attend an audition and a callback. Today, the View caught my attention because they showcased the lovely, Starr “There’s no way her head is that big” Jones cooking up some ribs with her Mom’s special rub and sauce. Now, you can have your Bobby Flays and Naked Chefs of the world. If anyone knows anything about eatin’ ribs, my money is on Starr. The great thing was that while she prepared these delicious looking baby back ribs slathered in barbeque sauce, I was able to take time from my busy schedule and prepare a healthy chocolate meal replacement shake. Hmmm, Hmmm that was good!
The afternoon was kicked off with a 12:10 showing of the not too widely released, yet critically acclaimed 1993 blockbuster, The Cover Girl Murders starring the Bionic Man, Lee Majors and the hot chick from Kingpin. Lee plays Rex Kingman, an editor of a high fashion magazine who travels to a tropical island along with 5 “super” models to shoot his swimsuit issue. The models are stalked by a killer who is out to get them, one by one. I watch the whole damn thing and come to find out at the end that the models staged all the murders and they did it only to blackmail Rex into signing over the magazine to them. I must make better movie choices.
The rest of my day involved a bit of surfing on the World Wide Web and then I checked out some additional stuff on the Internet.
Well, that’s pretty much all that transpired today so I’m gonna leave ya until next time – which I believe will be tomorrow even though I don’t have boot camp. I’ve just gotta burn at least 500 calories so once I finish putting in my contacts in and brushing my teeth in the morning, I’ll only be 250 shy of my goal.
Hugs and kisses,
Saturday, August 6
Day 6 – Sleepin’ in is fun!!!!
by johnmaholm on August 6, 2005 04:52PM (PDT)
I hope everyone is enjoying or enjoyed a splendid weekend with friends, family or whomever else you might spend your Saturday and Sunday with. My Saturday shaped up to be a real relaxing one that included a trip to the Whole Foods in Glendale to purchase another container of Slim Style shakes. I had exhausted my palette with vanilla and chocolate so I decided it was time to try out the strawberry. Well, even though it smells like Nestle Quick, it sure doesn’t take like it. That being said, it is the most tolerable of all 3 flavors and will allow me to keep downing these every 2 hours or so.
I walked around the Los Feliz area for about an hour or so in order to burn off 523 calories and stay true to my regimen – then followed it up with a trip to Robeks for an Acai energy bowl and a 1 oz shot of that delicious wheatgrass. As I was eating my 6th bowl of the week, I was reading their promotional brochure and discovered that these Acai berries are pretty fancy and healthy to boot. They grow atop the millions of palm tress lining the Amazon River – that’s in Arizona right? And I guess these little boogers contain 10-30 times the antioxidants of red wine and over 2 times that of blueberries. So put down the white zin and polish off a carafe of Acai.
I’m thinking I’ll parlay my watching of the PGA International tournament this afternoon into a full on movie marathon this evening – I mean, what goes better with meal replacement shakes than a good dramedy and a thrilling horror flick?
Off to mix up another shake – Deeeeeeeelicious.
Could very well set the BM record today – began at 2:30 AM and we’re at 4 here at 4:45 pm – have to wait til tomorrow to find out.
Sunday, August 7
Day 7 – 10 solid hours of slumber
by johnmaholm on August 7, 2005 07:11PM (PDT)
Man, did I awaken quite refreshed today following an excellent slumber. I did have a strange dream last evening though and it did involve food. I guess you truly do have issues with food when certain images of food start popping up in your dreams. I dreamt that I was out on the town, no idea what town or where, with Tony Soprano, and not just James Galdofini the actor who plays Tony, but as the real Tony Soprano – and with us was the entire crew – Christopher, Big Pussy, Paulie Walnuts and Silvio. We were eating this huge Italian meal and I can remember the portions being gigantic – meatballs the size of basketballs – pitchers full of homemade sauce – but the thing I was so hungry to eat was this garlic bread that was scattered all over the table – I could smell it in my dream and as it sat on the table you could see the stains it was leaving on the tablecloth as the butter seeped out – I’m dying for it right now. So we finished up dinner and we all jumped into a fire engine and drove over to Navy Pier to watch the fireworks. I think everything about that part of the dream makes perfect sense. The next thing I knew I was awake and had to go #1. Please feel free to analyze aspiring Dr. Jungs.
Similar to yesterday, I enjoyed a nice walk about around the neighborhood to burn off 537 calories and popped into the Robeks for an Acai Energy Bowl and some more mouth watering wheatgrass – which they now charge $1.25 for – thus not allowing me to roll with just 6 dollars American, but I now have to bring an additional 25 cent piece, or 5 nickels or 2 dimes and a nickel or 25 red cents. But I’m getting that 2 1/2 lbs of leafy green vegetables so can you really put a price on your health?- gosh darn it, I’m worth an extra quarter.
If you’d like to see one of my fellow boot campers on TV tomorrow night, check out FOX for its version of Extreme Makeover called Renovate My Family. Dr. Phil’s son is the host and it features the Dahm triplets as construction workers. Jude Alcala, who is in the Session #2 with me, is the guy who does the makeovers on the family members – does their hair, makeup and overall style adjustment I guess. He told me it’s a complete rip off of the show on ABC, but a job’s a job and he gets to wear fabulous stuff. It airs on FOX Monday, August 8 from 8 pm – 10 pm.
You know that expression “Records were made to be broken”? Well, truer words could not have been spoken when it comes to my BMs the last couple days. Yesterday, I came in at a solid (mind you this doesn’t pertain the actual consistency) 6 recorded and successful efforts. Well, as I type this I sit at 5 1/2 – one was just not up to my expectations so I can’t give it the full one. That being said, I still have one more shake to drink and a shake is usually good for at least one and maybe 2 depending on what time I’m able to fall asleep. After today, the number to beat could be 7. Only time will tell, kids. Only time will tell.
So sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite, say your prayers and talk atcha tomorrow. With week #2 comes new fitness assessments. I feel pretty good that I’ll be able to improve given that I feel much lighter.
Monday, August 8
Day 8 – One week and 8 lbs down
by johnmaholm on August 8, 2005 09:24PM (PDT)
Gonna start off by saying my record still stands at 6. For whatever reason, that last shake didn’t work it’s magic like the others before it so I ended yesterday with 5 1/2 BMs.
Let’s see…. what do I share with you first? Oh, how about the fact that my right shin is effen’ killing me! I walked around yesterday afternoon in order to burn my required 500 calories and when I returned home I noticed that my shin and ankle were a little tight and felt a bit sore. Being the trooper that I am, I figured it was nothing and forgot all about it – that was until I began jogging around this morning and remembered, “Oh, yeah – that did hurt yesterday and still hurts today”. Well, I lumbered through this morning’s session and didn’t mention anything to Tina, Master Chief until after Session #2 had ended. My conversation with her went something like this, “Hey, I think I might be developing what I remember as being shin splints – especially my right one. It really hurts right above my ankle and that’s why I walked most of that timed mile” Her response was great “Yeah, those are called shin splints, it’s from running on a hard surface and the weight of your body keeps pounding down at 600 times your body weight so it’s tearing the muscle. You need more arch support – all you gotta do is go to your podiatrist or doctor and get orthotics made and you’ll be fine” Then I think she went back to talking to someone else. I loved this little exchange – she basically tells me what I already know in regards to the cause of my pain and then tells me to go see a doctor. Okay, cool – let me just grab my phone and call my podiatrist who I’ve got on speed dial and set up an appointment to get those $400-500 shin splint relievers made – and that’s if I had health insurance. Come on Castaldi, I’m an actor who does a lot of PA work in order to pay the bills and remain in this sprawling suburb until I do become a substantial working actor and I’m collecting unemployment this entire month in order to spend 3 hours a day with you – new orthotics aren’t gonna be part of this privates commitment. Suffice it to say I went to the Sport Chalet (LA’s equivalency to Sports Authority or Sportmart) and bought the Spenco Full Length arch supports with the one year unconditional guarantee for $25 bucks and the McDavid calf/shin support which provides firm compression and soft tissue support – it’s got 4-way stretch and a contoured design for best fit. Tomorrow is our timed 3 miler, so I’ll let you know how these fare.
Session #1 – Cliff’s Notes version: I got a nickname, received accolades from my peers and learned that I’m a very private person. Say what, you say. Well, the nickname came to be once I crossed the finish line after shaving an unheard of 13 seconds off my mile time and Tina said, “Great job, Oscar!” Another camper heard her remark and asked, “He’s Oscar, I thought he was John?” Tina replied by explaining that I was indeed John, but because I was an actor and all actors aspire to win an Oscar, she was giving me a nickname, which allows me to visual receiving an Oscar once I drop all these additional love handles. I know, I’m not sure who writes her stuff, but whoever it is, they’re good.
Tina was leading us in some stretches and such following our mile run and was telling us how extraordinary all of us are – for getting up this early, for staying committed to exercise and diet, etc. Not wanting her to think that we too didn’t think she was fabulous, I informed her that she was extraordinary as well. She then took it upon herself to single me out and say that “John is extraordinary, because he’s doing 2 boot camps this month” You should of heard the “ooohs” and “ahs” – it was like the 4th of July at 6 am on August 8th – she then asked me how many calories I’d been burning by doing both boot camps – to which I responded by saying, “roughly 2100 or so” Just when you thought the group couldn’t be any more impressed they let loose an enormous flood of “wows and “that’s awesome”. Oh, they’re puddy in my hands for the next 3 weeks.
We had a special guest during the early session and his name was Bart Baggett. He’s a world-renowned handwriting expert and a close personal friend of Tina’s. Here’s what he shared with us. He had us write out the sentence, “I said you and your silly monkey don’t have to go the zoo” and then sign our name. He told us if we made our “t” bar 3/4 or higher up the intersecting line, then we have good self-image. Said they did some study with Fortune 500 CEOs and most all of them crossed their “t”s closer to the top – so they surmise – you cross closer to the top and you make more $$$. If you underline your name you want more leadership and responsibility and if you make a big “K” you’re defiant. He said people that print instead of writing in cursive are private people and not open to revealing much to other people – seeins how I’ve printed, sometimes less legible than others, since I tested out of handwriting in Mrs. Wright’s class, I guess I’m really private. I’m not sure how my weight I’ll lose knowing how crossing my “t”s at the top, but I hope it’s a lot.
Session #2 – Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better than Kathy with a “K” or Shoshana with one “n”, I took a trip to “the rock” with a fellow camper and discovered the best name yet. Let me preface my comments by saying I had spoken on numerous occasions with this person prior to meeting her in boot camp because she works as Tina’s assistant. She advised me on which exercise mat to purchase, the proper sized water bottle I’d need and schooled me on the ways of heart monitors. All the while, I thought I was speaking with Erin, but as it turns out, I was speaking with Airyyn. Yep, she told me her parents decide to go with the non-traditional, yet as she points out, the phonetic spelling of her name. Okay, now Anfernee Hardaway doesn’t look that bad to me.
I’m getting sleepy so I’m off to bed. I really hope Farrah comes back tomorrow. Will you pray with me tonight? Thanks.
Tuesday, August 9
Day 9 – One boot camp = good idea, Two boot camps = not so much
by johnmaholm on August 9, 2005 08:48PM (PDT)
I think had I listened to my gut (which at the time was a bit bigger) and just agreed to do one boot camp instead of two, I’d have been much happier and in far less pain than I was at the start of this morning’s session. As I walked the entire timed 3 miles I kept thinking, “What’s the point of busting ass for a week if my shins are so jacked up for the remaining three weeks that I can’t fully commit to all of the exercises – thus burning less calories and ultimately losing less weight?” Didn’t think that one all the way through, I guess. Even still, because, as one of my Little League baseball coaches with no front teeth who drove a primer colored Dodge Charger once told me, “John, you have a heart as big as a mountain” I will press on and do whatever it takes to get through the next 3 weeks – or roughly 17 days, 9 hrs, 50 minutes, 13 sec…12…11…10
Session #1 – Oh captain, my captain! Uschi – Man, this girl’s a treat. Again, to remind everyone, Uschi, or Usch as I like to call her, is the captain of our Bravo food group team – she’s foreign, real hard to understand and kinda looks like she’s always got a pack of Red Man chew in her left cheek. Well, anyway she’s checking our books today, and in a way I think just hoping that someone didn’t write down their previous days food consumption so she can scold and berate them. Dagnabit! Nobody slipped up so she can’t institute her motherly ways – or so I thought. I guess we’re not only responsible for our own food diary, but also the people in our group who are fortunate and smart enough to be at home, sound asleep in their comfortable beds. Yeah, because 3 people in our group weren’t there today we had to do 20 pushups for each person – lemme do the math for ya, that’s 60 pushups – okay, even when I weighed 100 lbs less than I do now and lifted weights cause it was just fun and that’s what I did, it would take a little out of me to do 60 pushups and I’d probably break it up in to 2 sets. As she’s sternly informing us that we have to do 60 push ups due to these other lucky saps absence, I am reminded of being in college and playing the beer drinking game we all know and love, “Quarters” Do you remember when you’d be playing a game and you might have already established a few rules, oh, I don’t know, maybe “No usage of drink, drank or drunk” or “No first names”, whatever the rules might have been , but you’d also determined that 4-6 drinks constitutes a full beer. Well, as you were playing, someone with excellent bouncing skills would proceed to go on a “run” and make like 40 or 50 shots in a row and then give you all the drinks, saying something like, “Dude, I just made a hundred in a row and they’re all yours. You gotta chug like 10 beers.” I just remember that once it got to that absurd number of sunken quarters, you’d kinda be ready to play another game in an effort to involve more than one person and the owed drinks would just mysteriously disappear. That’s kinda how I felt when she told us to drop and give her 60. “Uh, okay, I’m just gonna go grab something off my mat, be back in a second – you guys feel free to start with out me – I’ll catch up” I eventually did try my durndest and busted out maybe 25 or so, but a torn pectoralis major wasn’t exactly on my menu for breakfast. In addition to the pushups, we also had to run, walk in my case, 2 sets of stairs. I got back from doing these and whom do I see standing over by Master Chief, but our fearless Bravo food team captain, the big Usch. She doles out these assignments and then neglects to participate herself. That’s it, the wedding is off! If she can’t stay committed now, how can I depend on her down the road?
In case you’re wondering, and this might just pertain to me, but when I see a discarded Taco Bell wrapper laying along the curb while I’m exercising, it doesn’t motivate me to work out any harder or reinforce my commitment to healthy eating – it just kinda makes me hungry and I begin to ponder a few things: #1 Whatever happened to the item formally known as the Chilito (then the Chili Cheese Burrito)? Do they still have that at any Taco Bells? 2. Who the hell eats the Gordita? 3. Why did I once think I could eat 50 tacos in one sitting and not give myself the best odds by making certain they were all hard? – the soft gets ya too bloated.
Session #2 – Pretty much the same deal as the first session, except I did get a chance to learn a bit more about our resident Grammy winning songwriter, Robin. She was kind enough to accompany me along the last portion of our 3-mile jaunt this morning and was open to my queries. She won a Grammy for co-writing a song with Keb Mo – who he is I’m not really sure, but I’m thinking he might be black. Nothing to do with his name mind you, it’s just that most of the good songwriters are – you know, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Michael Bolton, etc. Well, as the story goes, she dated Mr. Mo for 3 years or so, during which she got laid constantly, cleaned out an old entry way closet and wrote a bunch of songs – one of which just so happened to garner her a Grammy. I didn’t mean to one up her or anything, but I did mention that I too had co-written a song with a friend of mine (completely platonic) and I shared with her my lyrical contribution, “cause your booty is hot as spice, and your titties are twice as nice” – yeah, told her that was off our first, yet to be titled, album and that that was from the track titled, “Bitches Get All the Riches” – told her we got an acoustic version that’s nice but the studio one pretty much rocks the hardest. She didn’t seem too excited when I told her I could email the file to her so she could give it a listen. Hey, you don’t wanna jump on the “Bitches” bandwagon that’s fine, cause I got a friend Orren who lives here in the LA area and he’s knows the chorus and everything- so whatever 1/2 Grammy winner!
My trip to Robeks following class was a bit more pleasant today as it included three ladies from class. One girl I have no idea what her name is, but I do know that she really likes the taste of wheatgrass cause as I was choking mine down, she told me, “I really like the taste”. Yeah, I think that’s probably what gay guys have to tell themselves too. Well, the other two girls are kinda cute. We’ve got Tonya, who like myself is an actor, except she auditions for and plays girl roles, so she’s an actress. She’s only been coming to class for maybe the last 3 days or so, but she seems to be a keeper. Then there’s Jennifer who has a really Italian sounding last name, like Rozelletti or something like that – she’s a regular and always seems to cheat on her food diary. She just makes stuff up. When she had a Double Double at In n Out, she wrote it down as a portion of steak and boiled potatoes. Fun girl – works as a space planning consultant or something. I don’t know, she kinda lost me when she started talking about conference calls and PowerPoint presentations – it brought back too many bad memories. Anyway, as she and Tonya were leaving to venture out in to the world and begin their days, she told me I should come over and play Cranium with them sometime. Me, being a big fan of all board games including the Cranium, said, “Why, yes. I would thoroughly enjoy participating in festivities such as this at your humble abode. Please contact me once a date has been set as this will allow me to consult my social calendar and make any and all necessary arrangements.” I’m gonna open up a can of Cranium whoop ass all over that game when the time comes. You know how I roll – I take no prisoners when it comes to the board games – good times!
Okay, I gotta got to bed – hugs and kisses.
Wednesday, August 10
Day 10 – Who moved my cheese?
by johnmaholm on August 10, 2005 10:39PM (PDT)
It saddens me to begin by saying this, but, I believe Farrah might have been my 2-day Session #2 siren and that’s it. I will continue to subtly inquire as to her whereabouts, but I’m afraid I might not ever uncover the truth. Sure, a lot of things come to mind – maybe I intimidated her, you know she wouldn’t be the first to feel overwhelmed by the charisma and effervescent smile. Or maybe when you’re already in shape you can come in for a couple days and then take a couple weeks off. I’m just holding out that maybe she’ll be there to bring it home with me that last week or so – hell, I’d even take her out for a shot of wheatgrass after class, my treat.
Hey, the next time someone asks you how to stop your poop function, just tell ’em – Advanced Imodium AD. Shoooweee! I took 2 on Monday morning in an effort to curb my BMs and pretty much dried up that well. Those that have followed my movements, and don’t lie, I know some of you scour the articles just in order to see my latest tally and compare your results, well I am happy to share that following two abnormal days of 2 BMs each, I am back on track with 4 true to form dumps this day – it’s good to be back.
Session #1 – Well, we got started a bit late this morning and oddly enough it was not because I slept through my two alarms or decided to hit the snooze one too many times. Nope, it was pretty much due to the fact that I’m a directional idiot and I got lost on the way to class. “How could he get lost? Hasn’t he been going now for over a week?” you ask. Yes, I have, but today the entrance ramp to the freeway I always take was closed. So I figured, no big deal I’ll just drive up a little further and get on from the other side. Nope, that side was closed as well. So I decided to look at my Thomas Guide (big book with all the streets in LA – you could call them maps, but to me there just confusing lines, numbers and names) and determine the next best way to get there. That didn’t really help much. When all was said and done I managed to arrive 30 minutes late. I expected a real boot camp beat down, but Master Chief was just happy that I made it I guess.
Here’s what I learned in the first session today. I learned that by eating edamame you can help eradicate unsightly cellulite – she said it’s got something to do with the soybean replenishing the dimpled cells and causing the skin to “pop” back out. So if that’s the cross you bear, go grab some sutchi and a bowl full of edamame. Secondly, Tina reiterated again about the importance of changing one’s handwriting and the positive effect it can have on your life. I think I mentioned this already, but the loop on your cursive “d” evidently is tied to a person’s independent thought and whether or not you are overly sensitive to what people say to you or about you. This got me to thinking that seeins how I wear women’s Chanel sunglasses (I like to think of them as unisex), it probably doesn’t matter a whole lot whether I close the loop on that “d” or not – pretty comfortable with the independent thought thing.
Session #2 – We switched it up a bit today and instead of trekking over to “the rock” we embarked upon a route known as “Inspiration Hollywood”. I think she calls it that because we travel directly underneath those big letters that spell Hollywood on the side of that hill. Maybe, but I’m not sure. Well, anyway it was good times cause I got to chat it up with Barbara R and Naomi A and learn a lot about their lives. Babs is a sweet 60-year-old gal full of vim and vigor who’s into speech therapy. She married some guy in Toronto after college and it didn’t work out. So on the advice of her brother-in-law at the time, she moved to Reno for six months and then got a divorce. That’s just about verbatim as she described. Naomi is into therapy as well, except hers pertains to the respiratory functions. She works at USC as a therapist and also a clinical researcher – chick’s way too smart for me to really follow everything she said, but I did understand that she loves to travel and like myself, is the youngest of her two siblings.
All in all, the shins felt okay today – I went ahead and purchased another calf/shin neoprene support and am thinking tomorrow I’ll be back at it full speed.
The end of Session #2 provided me with some nice humor. As people were collecting their mats and putting away their weights and jump ropes, this one girl, don’t know her name, but she says that she just saw Tiger Woods walking down the hill. Now, initially I thought, “Oh, that’s kinda cool”, but as I continue to process this statement, I remember that he’s more than likely gonna be in New Jersey preparing for the PGA Championship which starts tomorrow. Before I had a chance to even open my mouth, people just started heading in his direction and began shouting, “Tiger, hey Tiger!” “Wait up!”. It wasn’t until one girl finally reached him and asked him if he was Tiger Woods and he replied, “No” that people stopped the giddiness. When I passed him going down the hill in my salvaged 87 Corolla with 155,000 miles I did see why people might have mistaken him for Tiger. He was black Asian and was walking with his hands at his side – totally what Tiger does.
That’s all folks – I gotta hit the hay.
Thursday, August 11
Day 11 – These New Balance shoes are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do…
by johnmaholm on August 11, 2005 09:46PM (PDT)
“Apples and oranges”. That’s what Judd Nelson told my room mate and me a little over a year ago as he sat, bellied up to the video poker game at The Rainbow Bar and Grill on Sunset Boulevard. We had just begun to wax intellectual about the beauty of living in a city such as New York and Chicago when he offered up his wisdom – and when Bender talks, people listen. He said, “Lemme give you both some advice. You’ll be much happier living here when you stop comparing the two. It’s like apples and oranges”. C’est vrai, mon ami. C’est vrai. Well, in the months that followed, I discontinued my usage of Punnett squares and ceased trying to “understand” LA. I am happy just resigned in knowing that in LA things don’t always make sense. I don’t see why the bars have to close at 2 am, but, hey, I live with it. I don’t get why the train doesn’t take you anywhere you might need or want to go, but, hey – it’s LA, right? The one thing I will never understand though and really gets me hot under the collar is the lack of common sense that exists when people decide to cross the street around here. I know you’ve seen these things before cause they have ’em in a lot of cities, both big and small – there called “crosswalks”. I think the name even kinda says what they’re used for, but out here most people neglect to actually use these designated areas. The mind set seems to be more along the lines of, “No, thanks. I think I’d rather just walk out in the middle of the road and cause oncoming motorists to slam on their brakes if that’s okay with you. I mean Fred Segal’s is right over there and it’s kinda far for me to walk that way and then over that way, you know. What if, God forbid, the sale ended while I’m waiting for the little white crosswalk guy to flash? Are you somebody famous, cause maybe I should know you?”
Session #1 – Master Chief wanted us to get in a lot of cardiovascular work today because Friday is said to involve mostly anaerobic exercise. So, what that meant was pairing up again and scurrying around the neighborhoods of Burbank for 4 1/2 miles. I ended up with Carrie from Dekalb, IL as my companion. She is the gal that I spoke of awhile back who determined that I looked “exactly” like she and her fiancée’s friend Chad from Chicago and always wanted to hug me when she saw me in the morning. Yeah, she’s still a bit fixated on this and mentioned that not only do I resemble him physically, but that I also sound like him, smile like him and have the same giving spirit as him. When she tells me I smell like him, that’s when I become really freaked out. I’m not gonna lie to ya, it does make it a bit awkward conversing with someone when the entire time you’re speaking, this person is giving you the once over twice and the twice over thrice. Once I was able to spin the conversation around to her, it definitely became more enjoyable. As we were talking about the woes of her being a nanny and me being a PA, she mentions something about having a famous cousin. Well, I can’t just gloss over something like that, so I ask her who the famous cousin is. All the while I’m expecting to get some C list actor, a recent cast member from Road Rules or Jared Fogle from Subway. Needless to say I was quite shocked when she came back with Cindy Crawford. Cindy effen Crawford! I had so many questions to ask – Does she really drink Pepsi? Is Richard Gere gay? Is the mole glued, painted or stapled on? She said her Mom and Cindy’s are sisters – I’m not real good at the whole relations thing, but I believe her. Do you think it was inappropriate for me to mention that I thought Cindy was a MILF? Yeah, me neither. I guess she sees her quite a bit cause she used to be her assistant when she moved out here a couple years ago – this was before she decided to get her own nannying gig. I’m gonna try to work the whole, “Hey, your husband is Randy Gerber and owns a lot of swank bars/clubs can you hook a brother up on some guest lists every now again?” angle. All of the sudden getting hugs from this broad doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.
Session #2 – Same story, different session. It’s definitely more fun walking 4 1/2 miles around the hills of Hollywood than Burbank, but my conversations were less than stellar. We were divided in to 3 different pace groups: slow, medium and fast. I was privileged enough to be cast in the medium group along with Dave the ad sales guy (he’s got the bum wheel in the pictures – all braced up – sports the Camelback water pack, the tank tops and a cheesy bandana), Dan the IT guy (he provided the link to the pics on the blog) and Naomi the respiratory therapist/researcher. I could only listen so long to the mundane discussions about which computer printer works best for a Mac and which for an IBM. Dude, just shut up and go to Staples after class.
There’s a new Charlie food captain in town. The name is Jennifer. Jennifer who cheats on her entries. She got promoted because our former captain Airynn (best name ever) isn’t sure she’ll be able to attend all the days and Jennifer was the next highest in rank, you know, this being her 2nd boot camp and all. Could prove to be quite interesting – maybe she’ll cut me some slack if necessary cause I got the Cranium invite.
Me sleepy, must go night-night.
Friday, August 12
Day 12 – Oh, we’re half way there….Ohohhh! Livin’ on a boot camp prayer….
by johnmaholm on August 12, 2005 09:54PM (PDT)
Guess who was a no-show at Session #1 today. Nope, it wasn’t Shoshana with one “n”. Who did you say? Huh uh, it wasn’t Carrie the cousin of Cindy Crawford either. Let me give you a hint. She, that narrows it down to the ladies right there, wears a pink hat and barks out orders quite frequently. Yep, that’s right our freakin’ teacher, camp counselor, Master Chief, chaperone, den mother Tina was asleep at home. Francisco, who is a whole other blog entry on his own, tells us that she “isn’t feeling well” this morning so he’ll be teaching the class. Shit, dog. I know about 20 other people who aren’t exactly “feeling well” this morning either, but they got their lazy, some fat, asses out of bed so they could sweat it up and share their journals with completed calorie counts and detailed bowel movements. Shit, it’s hard enough staying committed on my own, but knowing the lady who convinced you to spend an additional $450 and enroll in 2 sessions is toes up, and sawing logs in the comfort of her own bed can really be disheartening. It ends up that she shows for Session #2, but c’mon if you’re sick, you’re sick – right?
Okay, quick note about Francisco. He’s like Mexican or Columbian or some kind of foreign and doesn’t speak English all that well – he had to have another guy in class basically teach today, cause he couldn’t communicate what he wanted us to do. The thing that’s most intriguing about ole San Francisco is that nobody knows if he’s Tina’s boyfriend, her salsa dance instructor, boy toy or what. He doesn’t carpool with her but shows up today driving her white Mercedes with all the gear. Hey, maybe they rented Remember the Titans or Beaches together last night and ended up following asleep on the couch, spoonin’ like a couple of pre pubescent teens, but I doubt it. I’m thinking there may be a whole other “video” world involving the Master Chief that we aren’t supposed to know exists.
Session #1 – Today being Bring a Friend for Free Friday, we had a few newcomers to the class, but the most welcomed participant was Tonya who typically attends the 7 am session. After hearing what brought her out for the 5 am session, she gets my vote for most dedicated camper and maybe most fun as well. She told me she was out boozing it up with some friends and the next thing she knew it was 4 am and she needed to hop out of her friend’s jacuzzi, towel off and get home for a few zzzzs before boot camp. On her way home, she decided that since she was already up, she might as well come to the 5 am class and get it over with. You gotta love that story for a lot of reasons, but mostly because a cute girl is telling it.
We learned a new way to exercise today and that was the Indian run. Now, I was in Indian Guides with my Dad as a kid so I’m pretty sure the Sioux, Cherokee, Navajo or any other tribe never ran around like we did, but maybe it just sounded better than the Puritan step or Shaker trot. Oh, my name was Flying Eagle cause I was a big fan of the Steve Miller Band and my Dad’s was Rolling Rock because, yep, you guessed it, he worked for the Anchor Hocking glass company and was a big fan of green bottles – at least I think that’s why. So the Indian run is kinda like “monkey move up”. You’ve got a group of peeps in a single file line and the person in the front of the line is the leader. The last person in line sprints, or jogs, or walks up to the front and then they become the leader. You just keep repeating this process until you reach your final destination. In our case our destination was about 3 miles away and involved going along a route called the Cabrini loop – boy was I relieved when I didn’t see burned out, tagged up, dilapidated brick buildings or guys playing dice on the stoop. Nope, Cabrini in CA involves a plush, green park complete with picnic tables and functioning rest rooms – no subsidizing here.
Uschi was nowhere to be found today so who do think got “promoted” for the day and asked to check everyone’s food journal entries? That’s right, bitch. I was able to do the scrutinizing today and determine our required hills for absences or pushups for missing food entries. So I did what every good substitute captain should do, and that’s barely glance at their books and pretend a few absent Charlie group members were never really in our group. So it was zero hills and zero push-ups across the board for my team today.
Session #2 – Oh, so now you wanna join us for a workout? This 7 am class was complete with Tina back at the helm. We busted out some serious lunges and sprints coupled with weights and crunches. Our best guest in this session was Nora’s five-year-old daughter, Catherine. Man, was she full of energy and could she talk – non-stop. Something tells me that when I was 5 I was going to any fitness boot camps unless they involved a buffet at the end.
I’m really tired and need some rest so that’s all till tomorrow. Stay classy World Wide Webbers. 3 BMs seems to be the number I’m gonna settle at now – at least last couple days have gone that route.
P.S. Dan forwarded me all kinds of photos he’s taken from Session # 2 – including Kathy with a “k”, Jude, Jennifer, Dave and yes, even the mysterious Farrah. I’ll figure out how to post these this weekend and then you’ll be able to better understand who’s who.
Saturday, August 13
Day 13 – Can you woo woo woo? No, seriously – can you woo woo woo woo?
by johnmaholm on August 13, 2005 09:38PM (PDT)
Well, I fell off the wagon today. No, not the alcohol wagon, the exercise wagon. Although, I would like to send a shout out to my good friend Megan who was kind enough to pass along her knowledge regarding the “on the wagon” expression. She informed me that it is a reference to the turn of the century when the movement for prohibition was really heating up and there were these water wagons that fellas would drive around and men who were in favor or supported the movement would jump up on the wagon and proclaim they were “on the water wagon”. Then somewhere along the way, the word “water” got dropped. Pretty neat stuff, huh? I’m still booze free, but today I was also exercise free. I woke up today and not only did the shins feel as though they’d taken a beating, but my knees were extremely sore – maybe tendonitis as Dr. AG suggested, but whatever it is it hurts just walking so I decided to take the day off.
Today, I kinda forgot about the whole boot camp experience. And when I say that I mean I’m psyched that I’ve lost ten pounds thus far and I feel confident that it will accomplish my goal of kick starting an exercise regimen and rededicating me to making healthier choices, but I didn’t want to concern myself with the next two weeks. I figured Monday will be here soon enough and I’ve already banged out two weeks, so two more is nothing, even if Farrah continues to be absent.
I’ve really got nothing today – I didn’t think this would happen during my blog writing days, but I really don’t feel like typing aka talking right now.
Just 2 BMs, I’m sure there’ll be one more I muster up before day’s end. I’m gonna flip on the telly and watch.
Tomorrow, I’ll be posting good things I promise. The pictures should really help piece the last 2 weeks together, at least in regards to the drama that occurs in Session #2. I’ve got to try to find a way to take some pics in Session #1 without being overtly intrusive. “Hey, do you mind if I take your picture? What’s that?! Oh, cause I’ve been telling my friends all about you and making fun of you and stuff on the internet and I want them to be able to put some of these stories and your name with a face. No, I don’t think you’d really like reading it, but thanks for asking” Yeah, maybe a little too much info, huh.
Sunday, August 14
Day 14 – Football season inches ever closer
by johnmaholm on August 14, 2005 09:11PM (PDT)
Okay, I know I promised you good things in today’s entry, but I have I failed. This day has just completed slipped by me and I cannot devote the time and/or muster the energy necessary to give you the information you so richly deserve. I know, I know it’s weak, but please allow me 2 days of crap and next week we’ll be pure blog gold, if not, I’ll refund your money. Oh, somebody’s paypal deposit didn’t go through last week, so check your bank statements to see if it was you.
Pictures, shit! I said I’d get the pictures didn’t I? What an a-hole I am! Alright, 35 lashes to the Achilles, each one. That’s what I’ll give myself before I go to bed.
Okay, you really wanna know why I can’t spend a lot of time on today’s entry. Because I value my integrity and feel we’ve formed a sacred union over the course of the last couple weeks, I’ll let you know. I got up today around 10ish with very intention of filling my day with nothing but healthy food and exercise goodness. Well, I decided again not to do the 500 calorie burn walkabout cause the knees and shins were still real tender. But, I did stay true to the Acai energy bowl and the wheatgrass shot. Then, I went bowling with a friend and ate some food I dare not talk about – let’s just say it involved some cheese and a little batter. Well, when I got home and was kinda tired so I took a nap. This nap took up a pretty fair chunk of the afternoon, and upon waking I remembered that I needed to better prepare for an audition I have tomorrow – Dell commercial – notes say think Jack Black in School of Rock – So I had to watch that a few times for research and now I find myself still needing to study these sides a bit more (that’s big time Hollywood speak for read the script that I was provided – they were going to call them the betweens but I guess they finally decided on sides, cause It rhymes with glides).
Plus, I have to fill in my book with my poops and my calories and fats and carbs and proteins, so I really got bust ass here for the next hour before I get some – contacts out – shut eye.
Thanks, I knew you would understand. Hey, everybody have a really swell workweek and remain hard-core.
John David David
Day 15 – It’s funny when she talks about “privates”
by johnmaholm on August 15, 2005 10:28PM (PDT)
Today being Monday, we had our fitness assessment tests again – I guess you could call them reassessment tests. I thought the exercise portion of boot camp has been hard but almost as difficult has been recording my results in the Book. There’s one page that has columns and rows designated for all the exercises, but since I’m doing 2 boot camps and there’s not enough room to record them both, it’s kinda become just random numbers scattered all over the page with various dates assigned to them. Even with my lack of organization, I was able to determine that I shaved a minute and 12 seconds off my timed mile from Week #1 – oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like a went from 6 minutes to 5 minutes, we’re still moving at less then break neck speed – 11:13 for one mile. Tomorrow is when we do the timed 3 miler so that’s gonna be a doozy.
So, me and my achy knees and shin splints battled through Session #1 and upon completion of class, Tina asked how I was feeling. I said, yes I do feel lighter and she assured me that it’s evident that I have lost weight. But I then mentioned to her that my legs were all jacked up – what with the shin splints and the knees and the muscles around the knees and basically I just told her that my legs really hurt, but more than just because of over exertion and muscle soreness. What do you think her response was? Well, it was as funny as her suggesting more exercise as she did during week #1, but she said, “Oh, what you need to take, and I take it to, is a vitamin called MSM – it’s specifically designed for achy joints and will relieve your aches and pains”. I asked her if it would help with the tearing of my muscles around my shins and she assured me it would. So, on the way over to Session #2, I stopped off at Ralph’s (it’s not a guy’s house it’s a grocery store like the Jewel or Dominick’s or Kroger’s and picked me up a few Balance bars – I like to enjoy a Balance bar between Sessions – my personal favorite has come to be the cookie dough, although peanut butter’s not bad either and they’ve got a mint flavored one that reminds me of those mint Girl Scout cookies so it’s pretty good also. Anyway, in addition to a few bars I picked up some MSM and downed the daily recommended 4 1000 mg pills – yeah, I don’t know who she’s kidding about pain relief with this stuff, unless it occurs over time, these things ain’t making any difference whatsoever.
It’s nice that we have 2 new guys – one in each session (their names escape me at the moment, oops, Mike’s the guy in Session #2) who are less physically fit than I am. I suppose fitness like anything else is all relative. I can equate it best to watching guys play golf on the PGA tour. When they fail to land the ball on the green within a few feet of the hole, they’re quite bummed. Shit, I’m just happy if my ball lands anywhere on the short grass. The same holds true when they are putting, they expect to sink every put in one stroke, and I’m happy if I’m putting the same ball that I teed off with. I share this analogy because as I was completing my timed mile in Session #2, Mike, who’s probably pushing 3 and a quarter bills aka 325 pounds walked past me still en route to the halfway point and as I offered up him some encouragement by saying, “You’re doing a great job, keep it up” he came back with, “No, you’re the one doing the great job” Here I was maybe third or fourth from last and in his eyes I was cruising right along. It’s kinda nice to have people at various levels of fitness within the group because that way there’s always room for improvement as well as encouragement. Pretty deep stuff for my blog entry and me tonight, huh?
You wanna hear about my audition I had this afternoon? All right, I won’t tell you. Oh, you do want to hear about, sorry I misunderstood you. So as I mentioned it was for Dell and the spot is about this guy Mitch, who’s an air guitar aficionado and master of the lip synch – the spot promotes their DJ MP3 players, kinda like the Apple Bipods I guess. Well, Mitch, is this wannabe rocker/musical guru who will be teaching others about the ways of lip synch. During the audition I was aware that we had to read the copy that I’d received the day before, but didn’t know that we also had to lip synch to Black Dog by Led Zeppelin – you know, “Hey, hey mama say the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove” AND employ our best dance moves during Salt n Poppa’s “Push It”. Okay, I’m out of shape to begin with but man was I winded after these efforts – probably lasted a whole 3 minutes but it felt like I was back at boot camp all over again. Probably didn’t help much that I was wearing, non-forgiving jeans, a 3/4-length baseball jersey shirt and the never supportive Chuck Taylors. I’m hoping I shook my moneymaker well enough to get a callback. The casting director did say I nailed the overweight part of the audition, so I felt good about that – to be honest I didn’t even try that hard, but I guess I wear those extra lbs just right. Tomorrow I’m off to try my hand as Shipping Manager #2 in a UPS commercial audition – just hope I can find that brown button down shirt before 2:00 pm. I’m thinkin’ I’ll look pretty dapper in a newly purchased chocolate number.
I’m getting vaywee sweepy so I think I gotta crash – tomorrow, I promise to attach the photos.
Hugs and kisses,
Tuesday, August 16
Day 16 – Did I ever mention how much I hate cats? (and not the musical)
by johnmaholm on August 16, 2005 10:07PM (PDT)
If you’ve ever wondered what someone who’s completed a little over half of a month long boot camp might buy during a trip to their local Target, wonder no more my friend, cause I’se about to tell ya. I’ll let you decide what are boot camp related or motivated purchases and what’s normal, everyday stuff I might buy.
For the mere price of $48.31 American, I was able to buy a case of Charmin – I know I’ve touted the Ultra as my choice of ribbon, but they had a steal of a deal on 24 of the regular sized rolls I just couldn’t pass up. I picked me up some Softsoap Antibacterial hand soap, 75.25 FL OZ to be exact (included a free pump – I know, good times!) I seem to be sweating quite a bit so I went the antibacterial route to defeat those acne gods. What do you think a 14 bar super value pack of Irish Spring deodorant soap goes for here in CA? Not even close! 5 bucks! You’re right, I should have gotten two. Now that I’d covered all my soap needs, I needed to keep myself smelling “clean as a whew, whew” so I went the route of Right Guard, not just any Right Guard though – yeah, I roll with the Xtreme Sport – Fresh Blast flavor – it’s an antiperspirant AND a deodorant. Real big here in CA. I got two of those. Now this next purchase is one I always struggle with because it’s so damn expensive. I don’t shoplift, but if there was any item in a grocery store that I could somehow find a way to justify stealing, it would have to be razor blades. You’d think you were buying gold or diamonds they way they price these things in addition to the way they’re typically under lock and key and behind bullet proof glass. I paid $15.89 for an 8 pack of Mach 3 Turbo blades that will last me about 2 weeks if I’m lucky. I can hear some of you now, “Well, stupid, why don’t you just buy cheaper blades – don’t get the Turbos?” Hey, I’d love to be able to do that, but my fat cheeks really seem to have taken a shine to the Gillette blades and anything else cuts me up – bad, real bad. I was low on Balance bars and they had them for about 40 cents cheaper so I snagged 6 of those – trying out the new chewy chocolate chip flavor. Call me crazy, but I’m thinking it’s not gonna be near as good as a carton of Mrs. Field’s or a bag of chewy Chips Ahoy. And lastly, but definitely not least, I walked out with 10 ounces of pure groinal bliss – often know to most men as the Gold Bond. Cept here at the Target they have their own comparable brand and it goes by the name of medicated body powder – call it what you will, just keep it coming. Am I right, or am I right, fellas? Well, buying all these great items at Target was a blast, but what’s a trip into West Hollywood without a celebrity sighting, be it reality or otherwise. I was privileged enough to see the blond haired guy – think his name night be Mark – he’s always on those Road Rules/Real World challenges and is friends with Eric Neece (sp?) the guy who was on the first Real World. Senner, you should know who I’m talking about. Anyway, he really does wear the wristbands and the trucker hat away from the MTV cameras.
We had a timed 3-mile walk/run/jog – whatever you choose to do – during both Sessions this morning. I somehow ended up walking and not really talking, but listening to this girl, I think her name’s Maria, blabber on about working at the JPL earthquake center and how this one time there was a quake in Northridge, which is where she grew up, and it registered a 7 on the Andy Richter scale, but there was this big cover up and they told the public that it was only a 6 because if it was 7 or over then all of the residents of Northridge wouldn’t have to pay taxes on any items for 5 years. I said, oh kinda like the Pelican Brief, right? And didn’t Woodward and Bernstein look into that? I thought she was done after that story but then she proceeded to proffer up the details surrounding her loss of faith in the Catholic church following her days as a secretary for a bishop who ended up being one of the a-holes who molested kids and went away to jail for 25 years. It’s a toss-up as to what was more tiring the walking or listening to her talking.
Luckily, during Session #2 I managed to walk it out with Jennifer (she’s the one who plans space or some shit like that and has joined me at the Robeks a few times) – she too suffers from the shin splints – only difference is she has health insurance and is getting those orthotics this week – meanwhile I’m counting on these affordable Spenco inserts to start working any minute now. Sometimes, I think maybe that’d be a good investment for a 33 year old male, you know some health insurance. Then maybe I’ll see about getting one of those, how do you say it? sayveeing? sayveen? savings accounts, that’s right – I’ve heard those are good to have around for when it rains. So Jenny, as I like to call her, informed me today that she’s got an older sister who’s 38 and that she herself is 35. That really surprised me cause I was thinking she was younger than me – so good job Jen, keep up the good work. Also discovered Jenny was born and bred in New York City and owns herself a couple felines – you know how I feel about the cats. Again, it never fails, she tells me, “Oh, but they’re great – they are just like dogs.” Yeah, if that’s it’s best redeeming quality, that it’s like a dog – I’m gonna get the dog. What are the other great qualities? Oh, right – the shitting in a sandbox in your house, I forgot how cool that can be. And the hair everywhere, yep, I’m sold.
I’d like to close by telling you about the audition I had today cause it was a real neat experience. I went in for the role of Shipping Manager #2 – I was way wrong for Shipping Manager #1 cause in the notes it says “he roles his sleeves up” – no way I could have pulled that off. Anyway, I get to the casting office and take a look at the sides and realize it’s a scene with myself and another older woman who’s named Oracle. She’s supposed to be some shipping wiz or something who’s been around for years and she comes into my office to tell me about some packages coming in from overseas and I say I’m already aware cause I have this new, awesome shipping program from UPS. It seemed pretty straightforward to me. Well, France was the woman I was paired up with. Her name wasn’t pronounced like the country France though, she insisted it’s “France” with the “a” being pronounced like the “au” in “haunt”. Yeah, this old French broad didn’t quite fully understand what the spot was about or what she was supposed to read off the cue card cause she barely spoke English. We rehearsed it a few times and then the lady running the casting session said, “You guys really need to speed up your lines. Right now your are awful” Hey, thanks for the encouragement bitch, that was just how I’d interpreted it five minutes ago in the hall and was trying to give an “awful” read. I felt like saying, “I’m trying my best with Catherine Deneuve’s cousin over here so cut me some slack.” Needless to say, we put a couple on tape and I’ll probably not be receiving a call back.
Tomorrow is another day and another two auditions though, so hopefully something good will come of my efforts this week. Going in for an Allstate spot as a college football fan – feel pretty good about being able to tap into some past experiences to pull that off. And then going in for a Johnnie Walker campaign as Baserunner – they’re shooting scenes from the poem Casey at the Bat – and are looking for charactery types who can play baseball and slide. Shit! Even at 100 lbs over my fighting weight I can toss the ole pill around, play a little pepper and pop up slide with the best of ’em – hook slide might be a little rough on the knees though.
So till tomorrow, you kids keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.
Almost forgot – 5 dumps
Wednesday, August 17
Day 17 – 5 1/2 BMs at 9 pm – one more beaks the record
by johnmaholm on August 17, 2005 09:57PM (PDT)
Remember how I bitched about Uschi the time she forgot her book and thought, “How can you forget your book? blah, blah, blah” Well, I discovered this morning that when I have to take an unexpected 20 minute deuce, that that can really throw me off at 4:00 in the morning and cause ME to forget my book. Didn’t know when, but I knew Tina would ask me where my book was and sure enough about ten minutes in I got the ole, “Where’s your book?” At that moment I was at a crossroad, do I share the tale of the 20 minute dump that caused me to rush out the door and potentially entertain some, but more than likely offend most, or do I just take it like a man and suffer the consequences? I just bit my lip, kept the toilet talk to myself and dropped and gave her 20.
I also learned today that what you think about you move close towards and that if you ask yourself better questions, you will get a better answers. I think what she meant by this is that if you focus on and share with others what’s good and new in your life instead of what’s bad, you’ll feel better and the peeps around you will as well. We also talked about the Mighty Three. I thought it was gonna be McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King, but it wasn’t. The concept of the Mighty Three is that when something bad happens, you can tell 3 people and then you have to bury that story – discard your bad news and don’t wear it around and then lay it on others so they have to carry it around. Makes sense to me. Hey, I got my own baggage to worry about, I don’t want yours.
Session #1 and #2 were kinda uneventful today from an exercise and conversation standpoint. Same old same old with the jumping rope and the crunches and the sprints and the blobbiddy blah.
I got nothing more from boot camp really so I’m gonna move on to the rest of the day. As you may recall, I mentioned yesterday that I had a couple auditions today and one was for a part as baseball player. So, after my first one this morning, I headed over to the Sport Chalet to pick up some pants and look for a jersey. Let me start off by saying that even though these polyester pantaloons are quite comfy, I looked a lot better in baseball pants in high school then I do now. Those of you who are familiar with my Little League baseball cards, just think 1984 Duchess Shoppe – not too terribly flattering, I must say. Well, as I was heading back to my apartment, traveling eastbound on 3rd Street through West Hollywood (some of the kids like to call it WeHo), I experienced something that really made me feel like I was living in the entertainment capitol of the world, the city of angels, a place where people come with a dream and a sandwich. As I saw this behemoth black Chevy Tahoe blocking my lane, I initially thought, “Oh, it’s just another jackass pulling a u turn in the middle of the street and blocking traffic cause their time is more important than anyone else’s” So, once this shithead maneuvered their turn around and was now heading in the same direction as me, I pulled along side and glanced to see who the “I’m in such a hurry” was and as I looked toward the driver side window all I could see was what appeared to be a pair of hands and the largest camera lens I’ve ever seen pointed directly past the front of my vehicle and across the street. I glanced to see what this person was taking a picture of and that’s when I saw her. Even with the new doo and without her dog it was not real difficult to ascertain that it was Paris Hilton walking hand in hand with her fiancée, Paris whatever his last name is. You should have seen this paparazzi going nuts with the pictures – el rapido, trying to capture every step they took before they walked in to a store and then peeling out, probably off to the dark room to develop their latest conquest. I know some of these people can make decent money for pics, but man, I’d be so bored just driving around looking for famous people to photograph.
In my second audition I went in with 4 other guys – 3 of which were the Munoz brothers – picture three 40 something guys in full baseball uniforms with none of them being over 5 ft tall – it was quite a sight
I gotta go to bed – later alligator
My apologies if some words are missing the letter “r”- my effen keyboard is jacked up.
Thursday, August 18
Day 18 – Go hard core or go home!
by johnmaholm on August 18, 2005 11:02PM (PDT)
I would love to begin by inviting you all to take a look at the pictures I have posted. They are in a folder on the main page titled, “Privates Session #2”. I posted all of the key peeps, but if you’d like to see additional photos of people and landscape, you can log on to this website and gander all you like at the 150 or so that I didn’t post. The address is:
SORRY, I GUESS SINCE IT’S BEEN ALMOST 4 YEARS, HE TOOK IT DOWN.
Anybody ever have a broken blood vessel in the white of their eye? I noticed some redness yesterday afternoon, but didn’t think anything of it and then woke up this morning with a full on Gorbachev splotch in my right eye. It doesn’t hurt, but I did a little surfing on the world wide web when I got home and determined that it’s a subconjunctival hemorrhage and is usually harmless and should go away in less than a week. It said that they can be caused by over exertion and sometimes women experience these after giving birth when it’s a hard labor. Well, that explains it. I’ve been over exerting myself trying to keep up with the crunches for the past 3 weeks and I’ve had some hard labors myself – anywhere from 3 to 6 a day. Also, can become more prevalent if you’re taking a blood thinning medication. I read the bottle that the MSM supplement comes in, and it says it’s designed to increase blood flow to your joints and muscles and shouldn’t be used if you’re already taking a blood thinner – Hence, at greater risk for the broken blood vessels. Man, I should have been a doctor.
Session #1 – It was nice. I went on a 4-mile walk or so all by myself – no stories to listen to – nothing but my heart monitor, my shin supports and me.
Session #2 – Same kinda walk/jog/run as in the first session (I jogged it out a bit on the flat pats and the legs felt pretty good), except this time I had Dave chirping in my ear about how Trey Parker of South Park fame bought his townhouse like 3 years ago and how he closed a deal on his new house in less than a week and he didn’t know anything about real estate and that’s what made it so impressive – my triplet daughters – my ex-wife – yadda yadda yadda. And he still can’t go a day without mentioning something about those stupid water backpacks. We’re headed up this hill and he says, “Yeah, I heard Big 5 (it’s like Sportmart) is having a sale on water packs.” No response from me – awkward pause. Then he tries it again, “Probably have a bigger size than the one I have now” Still no response from me as I refrain from acknowledging his comments, knowing once I do it’s at least a 20 minute conversation about what pack does what and which tube is better – Hey Dan, I’m pretty okay with this free water bottle I got from Cozy’s Cycle Shop in Chicago, but thanks anyway.
I think Barbara might have asked me on a pseudo date today. We were on the way back from our walk/jog and she asked me if I wanted to see the March of the Penguins movie – we needed to watch a motivational movie this week – I said yes, I’d wanted to see it at some point and she then said that she had these AMC passes and wanted to give me one so I could go with her to the theatre in Burbank this evening. Babs, I do appreciate the offer, but you know I can’t mix business with pleasure.
It’s 11:00 pm as I wrap up today’s post – I know some of you’d like to get these a little earlier, but I’m not gonna lie to you – I’m pretty lazy after I get home, eat my Acai Energy Bowl, shower up and begin watching the telly. Today I watched Remember the Titans as my homework assignment and then Garden State just for enjoyment sake. Anybody think that Natalie Portman might be a high maintenance gal?
Didn’t break the record – still stands as 6 following a conservative day of 3 BMs. Have an awesome Friday
Friday, August 19
Day 19 – Down 15 lbs with one week to go
by johnmaholm on August 19, 2005 11:50PM (PDT)
I’m stilling riding the Farrah high so excuse me if I seem a bit preoccupied. It just makes for a better blog that she’s on a soap opera – I love it! Did you happen to catch the age? I was effen 13 and weighed a little less than what I do when she was born. She only knows 1984 as the year of her birth and not one of the most bitchenest hard rock albums Van Halen ever put out.
Well, there we were again – Bring a Friend For Free Friday. Man, both sessions were packed with peeps today. We had a couple dudes in the first session who you could tell were showing off – really sprinting all out on the sprints and shit – you know the type, all in shape and just taunting us fat guys, not saying anything, but you just know what their thinking, “C’mon chubs, that’s not how you do crunches – it’s up, down, up, down – damn, yo belly be all in the way and shit” Yes, they were black so I chose to utilize this type of vernacular for their thinking. I apologize if I offend, but I keeps it real up in the feel. Least that’s what my moms taught me. Know what I’m sayin’? Know what I’m sayin’?
We did a backwards 1-mile jog/walk today with a partner – I guess two people looking over their shoulders are better than one. Anyway, I had a nice chat with Tony along the way. Tony hails from NY (he didn’t take all that kindly to my mention of being a Red Sox fan – I told him Bickham and I grew up fans and Jim Rice was my favorite player) Tony, is one of 2 peeps now in the Session #1 that weighs less than me but is far less physically fit. Jay is the other guy from Raleigh, NC who’s in both Sessions such as myself. Wait I forgot to mention this, but I learned that this Jay cat actually lives in a bungalow at Tina’s house and is doing the whole fat farm retreat type thing – I guess he wears his heart monitor all day cause their goal is just to keep the guy moving and he burned 7,000 – yeah, that’s 3 zeros after the 7 – 7,000 calories the other day. Jude, who’s the hair/makeup guy in Session #2 asked, “Is he still alive?” Sorry, got a bit sidetracked there. So Tony is a nice guy – he’s a field producer for Tele-Pictures. They did Jenny Jones, Ellen and not sure what else, but he just got done working on Tyra Banks new talk show and I asked him if it was really bad – he said it is by far the worst talk show ever. Can’t wait to Tivo that. Wait, I don’t have Tivo. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lie – I just wanted you guys to think I was cool. Oh, and I don’t type this blog on my Powerbook – it’s a Commodore 64 – I just upgraded the hard drive. Shhhh. He was funny to listen to talking about being in the program, but “I’m not gonna watch some stupid motivational movie” We also both agreed that there’s a fine line between genuinely motivating the fat guys and making yourself feel better because you gave them a compliment. For example, this girl today says to me, “Great job, keep it up!” I was freakin’ walkin’ to my car – I appreciate the encouragement, but I’ve been doing this for quite a while so it’s not a real big feat. As I was leaving, Carrie (Cindy Crawford’s cousin) tells me, “Don’t get too skinny over the weekend!” What, the eff is she smoking?!@ In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m 275 pounds – I could snort coke for the next 2 days straight while mixing in hourly vomit sessions and I think I’d still come back fat – not morbidly obese, mind you, but still fat. I know they mean well, so I shouldn’t knock their efforts, but please don’t patronize – Let’s remember, I do own a mirror and unfortunately have seen myself naked in the course of the past three weeks – it still ain’t pretty.
During Session #2 Tina asked us to draw a door in our books and then label our door with a goal we want to accomplish – I chose to label mine “Paid acting gigs = Financial Freedom”. The idea is that what’s behind this door is achievable but in order to unlock the door, you gotta believe – and not just wish that something will come true, but believe it to be possible with every fiber of your body. The ancestor to every action is a thought so if you allow yourself think and believe this good thing will/should happen to you or for you, it can be. I much liked that little lesson today and look forward to walking through my door – ideally, sooner versus later would be great.
We were discussing the movies that people watched this week as part of our homework and out of the blue and completely interrupting Tina mid-sentence, Water Pak Dave says, “Someone should do a live action Jetsons movie”. Okay, thanks, we’ll get right on that.
So, we went on a 2-3 mile meditative walk/jog after our door drawing and were asked to be observant of our surroundings – just take it all in and note what kind of stuff we see. What I noticed was something that I’ve been seeing all too frequently over the last 3 weeks, and that is that there is an inordinate amount of people who enjoy banging all over the hills of Hollywood, cause I’ve seen roughly a half gross of used jimmy hats scattered about the mountainside – in the trees, bushes, on the road, dangling from a yucca. It’s blasphemous I tell ya.
Well, gonna nod off now cause I gotta big day tomorrow. Gonna go watch the World Champion AL East leading Boston Red Sox take on the AL West leading Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (what a stupid name), but before I do that I gotta get me a little exercise in the AM. I don’t think I’ve eve been to a baseball game and not had some suds – this will be a first.
Good night – sleep tight
I found out what happened to Farrah.
by johnmaholm on August 19, 2005 10:17AM (PDT)
I will post more today but I had to reveal the best stuff I’ve yet to learn about our boot campers. I was walking with Mike and Curtis today and we were discussing whether or not we were going to do another boot camp and got to talking about people enrolled in Session #2, when I said, “I just wanna know what happened to Farrah” They both looked at me as though I was speaking in tongues and said, “Who’s Farrah?” My immediate thought was, what are these two homos? “You know, Farrah – she was hear for 2 days the first week – talked about wanting to shop less.” That’s when Mike realized who I was referring to and told me that she’s a soap actress so she was probably shooting. I asked him what soap and he said “Days”, as in Day of Our Lives, which my Mom and sister watched religiously when I was growing up. I just looked her up on their website and sure enough, she plays Mimi Lockhart. It gets even better – she has her own website on which she mentions shopping as one of her hobbies. Go check it out at http://www.farahfathonline.com. Just when I thought I’d run out of things to ramble on about, the good Lord drops stuff right in my lap. Have a great day, I’m off to audition for Man #1 – the everyday football watcher in a Sprint commercial.
Saturday, August 20
Day 20 – Sure gets hot in Anaheim on a Saturday
by johnmaholm on August 20, 2005 07:56PM (PDT)
This is going to be the shortest entry thus far cause I’m on this piece of shit desktop with dial up access. My Powerbook isn’t recognizing that I have an Airport installed for whatever reason so I can’t access the internet.
Today I got up and walked around the neighborhood burning my required cals, hit the Robeks for the Bowl and some grass – then headed down to Anaheim to see the Red Sox play like shit and lose to the Angels – sat in a lot of traffic coming home and staying in tonight to go over a script that I’m shooting next week. Good times!
Only two dumps today – not sure what’s wrong – it’s very unlike my bowels and me.
Sunday, August 21
Day 21 – I loves me some tasty flatbread with lean turkey wrapped inside!
by johnmaholm on August 21, 2005 06:27PM (PDT)
This has nothing to do with the boot camp experience, but has everything to do with this blog and the ability to share my thoughts. Following my AirPort malfunction yesterday, I went to the Apple store in West Hollywood to ask for some assistance and discovered that they really hook you up at these stores. I am a novice when it comes to the ways of Apple and specifically the PowerBook so I welcomed the opportunity to saddle up to the Genius Bar with open arms and an open mind. Why just sitting there waiting for one of the resident “geniuses” to diagnose my problem, I learned how to switch back and forth from open applications (I believe they refer to it as “toggling” in the PC world) and the shortcut for placing documents in the trash. They also had some real nice quotes from Thoreau and a nice black and white still shot of Gandhi with his shirt off. Ok, so here’s what was wrong with my computer. My AirPort card had gotten disconnected somehow, so this nice, young “genius” put it back in correctly. Plus, as you may have noticed while reading the last five blog entries or so, the “r” key was malfunctioning due to some sediment, be it a fleck of dust or sand that had become lodged underneath the key. They rectified these issues in less than 20 minutes and voila! – everything was as good as new. I purchased some screen cleaner spray and a neoprene keyboard/screen protector and called it a day at the Apple Store.
I’m watching the news right now and I am reminded of something I found to be rather funny when I first moved here. Living in Chicago for 10 years, I often complained that we had the worst sports anchors for such a large market. Wow, would I love to go back to those horrible anchors. LA is even worse and this includes all the anchors. It being deemed the entertainment capital of the world and there being plenty of washed up actors and actresses looking to make a buck, this doesn’t seem to make sense to me. But, the funniest thing I found was the names of these two meteorologists. One guy’s name is Johnny Mountain and this other guy is Dallas Raines. Johnny Mountain looks like your typical older, white haired newscaster so it’s only his name that’s humorous. With Dallas Raines, it’s a whole different story. He looks and dresses a little like the WWE wrestler Ric Flair (if you’re from Lancaster, OH he looks a lot like Lindsay Hoyt’s dad) complete with the pin striped suits and flashy cufflinks. Something tells me it’s not just a mere coincidence that they ended up reporting the weather as a vocation with names like that. Some broad who reports the traffic from the copter is named, Tori Signal – yeah, that’s your real name too.
I’ve found a new and improved Robeks just down the street from where I live. Not only do I no longer have to listen to bad music that’s cranked to 11, but I get a better Bowl as well. Sliced bananas covering the entire top portion of the berries and organic granola strewn throughout this tasty little treat.
I’m off to walk around the neighborhood for my daily exercise so here’s to a great workweek and the last week of boot camp.
Monday, August 22
Day 22 – I found a nickel today and it was shiny
by johnmaholm on August 22, 2005 09:15PM (PDT)
I was kinda surprised that it took until the 4th week for me to get reprimanded for being a smart ass, but today it finally happened. At the top of each day’s page in our Book is a quote – usually an inspirational or motivational type. Well, Tina asked a few people to recite the quote and then for all of us to write down what we think it means in our own words. So here’s the quote and then I’ll tell you what I said when she got around to me. “If I do not go within, I go with out” – Neale Donald Walsh. I said that to me it means, “You gotta dig down deep inside of yourself and summon up all your inner strenth cause if you don’t, you’ll lose it all.” Then I closed by saying, “I think that’s where the term intestinal fortitude comes from”. Now, I don’t think my reply to her question was all that bad so it had to be the way I said it in a sing songy fashion and the way in which I didn’t sound all that sincere that prompted her disapproval – I promise I meant no harm and it was not my desire to make a mockery of the exercise or the quote, I was just trying to lighten the mood a bit. I guess ole Master Chief wanted nothing to do with that and was looking to nip that in the bud, cause she immediately responded with, “Give me 20 push ups, John”. I didn’t say a word and did as I was told. Tee hee hee hee hee!!!
Did you ever hear about that one fat guy who broke the 11-minute mile? No? Well, it wasn’t quite as big of a feat as when Roger Bannister ran a sub 4-minute mile back in 1954. Plus, it just happened today. Yep, shaved an additional 55 seconds off my mile time from last week and a whole 1:47 from my first week’s time, coming in at a Special Olympics bound 10:38. Now, I’d like to think that moxie had every thing to do with my results, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say there was also some serious momentum that pushed me along that last 1/4 mile or so. Not sure which Law it is, but I’d have to agree with the one about objects that are in motion tending to stay in motion – you don’t wanna be in front of me when I’m barreling down the road – all sweaty, third nipple a bit chafed, achy knees and shins, just gasping for every last ounce of oxygen as I cross the finish line. That, indeed provided for a funny comment from Tina. After she gave me my time, she said to me, “John, you’re shrinking like a snow cone in June”. I thanked her and walked back to my mat to write down my time, all the while holding back a hearty guffaw. Stupid quotes like that always take me back to a Civics/Econ teacher I had (as well as my older brother and sister) in high school. His name was George Finnen and boy did he come up with some doozies. He must have told us 100 times that if we planned on going to jail or “doin’ time”, we should do it in a Federal prison – they’re a lot nicer he said. I never knew if he was speaking from experience or if he was just pushing toward white-collar crime instead of the petty B and E’s and the misdemeanors. His two best analogies involved a breakfast food and oral hygiene. When talking about the laws governing the good ole USA and how some people agreed with certain ones more than others, he used to say, “Every pancake has two sides” Pretty deep shit when your 17, huh? The other phrase that used to crack me up was when somebody would break a law or say something that they’d later regret, he’d say, “Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you can’t get it back in” Now, that one I know is pretty dead on, cause it’s hard enough sometimes just getting the Crest to come outta the tube, so there’s no way I’d be able to get it back in. Least not those tubes we had in the late 80s. I think it wasn’t only what he said that was funny, but the way he said it with a little whistle that added to the enjoyment. I’ll never forget the image of him looking into the narrow, elongated pane of glass in the classroom door to comb his hair before class – damn, he was smooove.
Another exciting thing that happened in Session #1 was that Jay, the guy who’s living with Tina for the month and burned 7,000 calories one day last week, jogged today for the first time and lost 20 lbs in his first week. This guy can barely walk, but he lost 20 lbs. That’s awesome.
Every so often, someone mentions a little project that they are working on and asks for either us to keep them in our thoughts or assist in their program. Some previous ones included attending a fitness day for kids that this girl had set up. I didn’t go but I heard it was a great success. Idea sounded good to me, so hats off to her. Another one involved a girl teaching a dance class (salsa I believe) and she invited us to attend. Yeah, didn’t make that one either, but thanks for thinking of me. Well, today this lady shows up and asks us to bring in any old clothes we no longer want because she’s going to have a garage sale and then take the proceeds to help homeless kids. Initially this sounds like a nice idea. Well, she shoulda just stopped there as far as I’m concerned cause she then goes in to detailing how she’s going to help these kids. I’m thinking she’s going to buy them clothes, food, toys, maybe a new cardboard box (okay, that one was rude, but sometimes humor hurts you know). Nope, she’s gonna take the money and buy paint supplies and paint them a mural on a wall in a room they sometimes go to hang out in. What?! I can hear some kids mom saying it now, “Well, I do wish we could find a warm place to sleep and I know you’re real hungry, but boy isn’t that a real pretty tree painted on that wall and that sure is a nice likeness of Martin Luther King Jr, don’tcha think?” Now, I gotta go back to my days of volunteering at Maude Marshall Elementary to reminisce about my proudest philanthropical efforts, but I do believe there could be a better way of offering support to these kids. Yeah, when you’re paired with Alpha Chi Omega sorority it just made things a lot more tolerable, oops, I mean worthwhile.
Session #2 – Some new guy joined who flies helicopter for a living and man is he an effin windbag. I got asked by Tina to show him the route to The Rock and he wouldn’t shut up about working on this movie and doing this job and how he worked on True Lies, blah, blah, blah. Hey pal, I’m not real big into the aviation scene, so I don’t really care. At one point he said to me, “I do all the stuff on 24. Have you ever heard of it? It’s with Keifer Sutherland” No, shithead! I remember seeing his Dad’s buttocks in Animal House, but I’m not familiar with this – twenty-three is it, or was it twenty-four you said? Shut up braggart and get to The Rock!
So with this being our last week for this month’s boot camp, our “graduation” lies only a few days away. Now Tina has been talking up this graduation party that she has at her house for the entire month, so today she told us the details and said it’s going to be on Saturday, August 27. Every camper is asked to bring a low-fat dish that serves 8 – she said there will be no alcohol and that the entertainment is going to be fabulous. Well, I kinda can’t and don’t want to go, so when she sent the sign up sheet around during the first Session and asked for a show of hands for everyone that was coming, I pretended I was tying my shoes and didn’t raise any limbs. Flash forward to Session #2 when I’m walking up the hill with Tonya and Erica, laughing and joking about her upcoming nuptials, and Tina says, “Yep, John’s gonna be doing standup at the graduation party”. Oh, gotta say something now before I get in too deep. So I tell her, “Yeah, I can’t go to graduation” She’s heartbroken and asks why. I tell her because I have a good friend coming in to town that I haven’t seen in along while and …. She interrupts, “Bring him to the party. He can see you perform, do your Hollywood thing – you can stay from 7-9 and then go out on the Sunset Strip or wherever.” I didn’t really have the heart to tell her that since boot camp was officially over I was going to be doing some serious breaking of Rule #9 of Castaldi’s Top 10 Incantations which says, “I have the time to reward myself (Non food, alcohol or drug related)” and that I would more than likely be pretty deep in to the pickle jar and stumbling along side that proverbial wagon by 7 cause I was planning on attending Larry Lim’s B-Day BBQ and it starts around 3ish. I guess I made the mistake of saying I was putting some material together to do stand up one time and she wanted me to make my first gig be at her house. Hey, I love you guys and it was real fun sweating it up with you all for the past month, but you kinda lost me at the “no alcohol part”. Sure, you don’t NEED alcohol at a party to have fun but it’s kinda like going into a strip club with out money – it tends to be a bit more fun if you got some. I use that analogy even though I do not condone such activities because I feel it degrades women and only helps to perpetuate the chauvinistic stereotypes that they have fought so long and hard to overcome. Don’t worry Bickham we’re not going anywhere near Toluca Lake when you get here this weekend. It’s gonna be ice-cold brewskies for everybody! I was gonna use frothies there, but I haven’t used the term brewskies in quite some time and it just felt right.
That’s gonna bring us to 9 pm here on the West Coast and I’m gonna need to get me some shuteye. Till tomorrow, when I should have more pictures from Session #1 cause I’m taking a camera to class. What’s Shoshana with one “n” look like? Does Cindy Crawford’s cousin look anything like her? Is Uschi the bombshell John claims her to be? You gotta log in tomorrow to find the answers to these questions and so much more.
Tuesday, August 23
Day 23 – Oh, so what you’re saying is that I should do more inward thinking and less outward talking? Gotcha!
by johnmaholm at 09:07PM (PDT) on August 23, 2005
I know I mentioned yesterday that my goal was to have photos from Session #1, but we had a few no-shows today, so instead of giving you half of the campers, I hope to get ALL of the pics tomorrow when we are at full strength. You know my mantra, “Big team, little me”.
We’ve had a few new recruits join us the past couple days in Session #1 and today I found myself walkin’ and talkin’ a bit with Patricia. Tuesdays tend to be the pair up with someone you don’t know day. Let me begin by saying she’s a sweetheart, but please allow me to finish with the thought that she’s not all that interesting to talk to, in the least. Hey, I read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” a few times during my 33 years – shit, I even highlighted and underlined a few passages so I don’t think I’m to blame here. One of my favorites was a quote by Confucius – “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean”. Really cuts to the core, don’t it? Anyway, I recall one of the principles he suggests is to talk about things that the other individual has an interest in and they’ll be more likely to open up and feel comfortable talking about something they can relate to – they’ll appreciate your showing an interest in their passions. Here’s all I could get outta Patty. 1) She grew up in Glendale, CA 2) She’s married, pretty sure it’s to a man. 3) Her legs were sore today. C’mon, Pat I told you all about my shin splints and my growing up on a cul-de-sac in Ohio and that’s the best you can do? I’m givin’ it all I got over here, how’s about a little help. That’s it, I’m boycotting Patty for the remaining 3 days of camp.
It took 4 weeks to receive my first berating in front of my peers (in the form of 20 push-ups), but it only took until the next day to get 20 more and demerit #2. Here’s how it played out. We went to The Rock like we usually do and read our Dream Cards and then we headed back to do some weights on our mats. Well, I was one of the last to return from The Rock and as I’m approaching the group I hear Tina talking about this incredible man that she studied with named Grandmaster Paul and how he talks about igniting your chakras and changing your energy so it’s positive, yadda, yadda, yadda. So then someone chimes in and says that they too have studied Grandmaster Paul and that there’s also a Grandmaster George who’s great and then maybe someone talked about a Grandmaster Steve. Once they were through with the chakra talk, I waited until there was a definitive lull in the conversation and then proceeded to ask if anyone had ever studied Grandmaster Flash. It garnered an audible amount of laughter from the class, so Tina, who obviously has no idea who I’m referring to, immediately says, “Was it bad what he said? It was bad wasn’t it?” Shortly thereafter I got it again, “John give me 20 push ups” I just rolled over on my blue Everlast mat, smiled and pressed the flesh to the tune of 20 – this one was worth it.
Later in the day I earned another nickname – not sure if it’s because “Oscar” never really took off like she’d hoped or if it’s because she just enjoys giving me nicknames. Either way, Tina said, “I’m gonna start calling you Yoda, cause you bring the light”. Being the well-disciplined and appreciative camper I am, I said, “Thanks” and proceeded to head down the hill. I’m not real big into Star Wars since I’m no longer 8, but does that even make sense? I thought Yoda was all about the force – I know they used light sabers, but that seems like quite a stretch to me. Please advise.
I can’t believe I’ve only got 3 days to go. It seems like you and I just started blogging, doesn’t it? You remember my blog entry on Day 4? Wow, what was I thinking? I broke like ALL the blog rules in that one entry. Oh, and who will ever forget the ninth paragraph from Day 16’s entry? I was really feelin’ it in that one, huh? Boy, it’s gonna be hard saying goodbye to you guys, but I guess there’s no need to get all weepy-eyed on you now, we still got a few more good times together.
Again, just a pair of dumps today – it’s not what I’m accustom to, but it does save on the tp expense.
Hey, remind me that I want to post my Dream Card tomorrow and tell you what items I’ll be placing on EBay following the conclusion of boot camp. Thanks.
Wednesday, August 24
Castaldi’s Dream Card – Explanation and John David’s Dream Card
by johnmaholm on August 24, 2005 09:33PM (PDT)
This was one of the first written exercises we had to do during boot camp. She asked us to dream in detail using ALL five senses (sight, touch, hearing, taste and smell) while filling out a 3 x 5 index card. We were supposed to write down what we dream our life to be as if we were living it in the present. The thought being that everything we write down on our Dream Card will come true based on us. We were to end our Dream card with the statement, “I weigh (fill in the final goal weight)” and write “I Love Me” (The action of jumping) Then end with, “And so it is”.
Just writing it out isn’t enough though, she said we gotta say it every morning and every night before you “drift off to a peaceful sleep”. The first key to manifesting our dream was to believe our desire had already been filled and the second was this repetition.
Tina’s is something about being in Hawaii and just finishing speaking at a Tony Robbins convention and being a regular guest on Oprah and writing a bunch of books and having a boatload of cash in the bank with homes all over the US.
So keeping the aforementioned parameters in mind, here’s what I came up with:
“Today I am in Chicago visiting friends for a few months. I just wrapped on my tenth feature film so I came back to stay at my building which overlooks beautiful Lake Michigan. I am a big time star in TV and Film and am adored by millions. I see large boats out on the lake basking in the summer sun. I feel the cool breeze coming off the lake as I stand on my balcony sipping an ice-cold beer. I hear “Brickhouse” blaring from inside my apartment and smell a wonderful steamed bagel sandwich coming from the kitchen. I taste my beer and it’s delicious. I am so blessed in my life and love being able to donate both my time and $$$ to family, friends and deserving charities. (Notice how I will not be contributing to the undeserving ones – I’m sure some exist) I get excited knowing that my incredible wife is on her way to meet me – we are going out to dinner with AG, Senner, Gibbs, etc. I love the feeling of hugging her close and smelling her beautiful burnt sienna hair (okay, I really just put brown, but doesn’t burnt sienna sound more J Crewish and provide for a better visual?) It’s wonderful to be debt free at this point in my life and be able to live bicoastally (not sure that’s the correct term if you live in LA and the Midwest or if it’s even a word, but you get the point) year round. I am looking forward to singing the 7th inning stretch during tomorrow’s Cubs game. I love life! I weigh 200 lbs. I Love Me (Then I jump) And so it is.
We read this when we head to The Rock every morning in Session #2 and while standing at attention during Session #1 – post Pledge of Allegiance.
Wednesday, August 24
Day 24 – I’ve got a mantra
by johnmaholm on August 24, 2005 08:12PM (PDT)
Today’s quote was from James Allen, who if it’s the one I’m thinking of, was a running back for the Falcons back in the late 80s early 90s, and he said, “As the planet springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so very act of a man springs from the hidden seeds of thought”. Now, I know I don’t have to tell you what that means. You think shit and then you do it, end of story. So, based on this quote, Tina axed us to come up with 5 of our own affirmations pertaining to our lives and then choose one to be our mantra. How exciting, I’ve got a couple theme songs already, but I’ve always wanted a mantra. She told us to recite this aloud in order create a pattern with our feet. I’m unveiling my mantra for the first time and it is: I am a valiant warrior against the foe, which is weight. Catchy, isn’t it? Initially, I was gonna use “war” instead of “foe” cause I like the alliteration aspect, but ultimately “foe” won out due to under utilized status as part of everyday vernacular. I had a few peeps adopt the mantra – I said, hey, “My mantra is your mantra”.
I’ve determined in the 4 weeks I’ve been attending Session #1 that there’s a handful of people I can tolerate walking/jogging any distance with, so when Tina told us to grab a partner and do 5 miles I shuddered to think who would accompany me. Luckily, Carrie opted to walk with me and to be honest, it wasn’t all that bad. Well, that is if you like hearing horror stories about an upcoming wedding in September – oh, the hotel in Door County, WI isn’t practicing good follow up on her requests and the groomsmen still need to get fitted for their tuxes, the flowers were a lot more than they expected, etc. etc. etc. She did share a funny conversation that she had with Tina though. She said Tina repeatedly yelled at her one day after Carrie told her she wasn’t pooping any more than once a day and sometimes not at all. She said Tina just kept saying, “What don’t you understand, you’re sick and need to go see a doctor. What don’t you understand?”
Session #2 wasn’t nearly as exciting, but how could it be? I had just established myself a mantra only a couple hours earlier and there’s no topping that. Nonetheless, we did have the privilege of busting out 100 push-ups and 100 crunches or so in addition to some bicep curls and wind sprints. Oh, and some more crunches and then I guess we ended with some last minute crunches. I think it’d be really awesome if, or shall I say when, I can see my abs cause there’s gotta be a lot of muscle under there, it just has a hard time peaking out from underneath my spare tires.
Check out the pictures folder for Session #1. I was able to get a few decent pics – I don’t know if peeps weren’t feeling all that photogenic or what, but I experienced a bit of resistance when trying to take these snapshots.
I also posted my Dream Card in a separate blog entry for today – enjoy.
Thursday, August 25
Day 25 – I wake at four, only once more
by johnmaholm on August 25, 2005 08:06PM (PDT)
Okee dokee – I can honestly say that today I was and still am the most tired I have been during the entire boot camp experience. Even a day after receiving my mantra, I could hardly muster the energy to jump rope this morning, let alone shout out the Incantations while jumping – you know the “I am always positive”, “I set my mind on a course of action and see it through to completion”, etc. I am struggling to type much of anything right now because of my being fatigued, but I will do my best to press on.
Tina keeps selling that graduation “party”, and I use that term very loosely cause I can’t recall the last party I went to that involved a slide show, low fat food and no booze. Sounds like a night at the Acacia or Phi Psi house if you ask me.
Honestly, I’m cutting it real short tonight cause I still gotta go over my lines for the scenes were shooting tomorrow and try to get to sleep at a decent hour. I think you dedicated readers need a break as well. I’ve given you some pretty lengthy reads these past few weeks, so rest those weary eyes a bit with this minuscule entry.
Am I excited that tomorrow’s the last day? Let’s just say I won’t miss the 20 lbs or so I’ve lost and I sure as hell won’t miss staring up at the moon while struggling to complete my crunches.